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TOPIC: Query
Wyvernclaw


WindClan Warrior

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Query
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I need opinions on this piece of work, specifically how can I make randoms pieces of literature more scary than I can now.
Ignore the weird words here (I.E. Toa, Matoran, Vortixx, Rahi, etc.;) they're terms from BIONICLE which you probably don't know.



Darkness. Everywhere she looked was darkness. Her partner seemed to notice it, too. Reaching into his bag, Kada extracted a lightstone from it, the stones warm, golden light shining further on. Now with a guide, the two Onu-Matoran moved on.
"You sure this is a good idea?" Ilun asked. "Everyone is probably worried sick about us by now -- our friends, our family, and especially the Turaga. Why do we even have to go down here, anyway?"
"I've told you," Kada said brightly. "I found a lightstone mine here a while back -- and since the whole island is running short nowadays, I figured it would be best if we brought some back to everyone."
He turned around to look at his friend. "Right?"
"I guess so," Ilun said uncertainly. She sighed. "But I'm getting a very bad feeling from this place, Kada. Can't we just turn around and come back with- Ack!"

A vine had tripped the Matoran. Interestingly, it seemed to have latched on to her; but as she glimpsed at it, the vine recoiled, leaving her to stare bewilderedly at it. Shaking her head, Ilun pushed herself back up, only to find Kada gone, and with nothing but a fallen lightstone for company. The rays of light flickered for a moment, and then they died.
Oh, Rahi-bones, she thought, beginning to panic. Where the heck did Kada go?
She placed her hand on the wall, trying to decide what to do -- go on, in the hopes of catching up to Kada, or turn back and go home?
What am I thinking? Mata-Nui gave us Unity for a reason, she told herself. I guess I'm going forward, then.
The Onu-Matoran carefully stepped forward, using her hands to feel her way through the tunnel. Every so often she would softly call ahead of her, to check if Kada was ahead.

She had only traveled a short way when she ran into something. Peering through the darkness, Ilun jumped back as she saw what seemed to be a slightly decayed Matoran corpse in front of her. She took in several deeps breathes, now almost completely panicked. She breathed deeply, and then pushed past the body, intending to go on. A second later, however, she felt a cold hand on her shoulder. Turning warily around, she gasped.
Her following scream was cut short, as Death silenced her.

* * *


The dim lights of the mounted torches slightly illuminated the cavern. From above, the ground would appear to be moving of its own accord; if one were to make the decision of traveling further down, however, they would find a cavern full of decayed Matoran, Toa, and a variety of other species -- not like they would have a choice.
An unnaturally large creature -- remarkably similar to a Venus fly-trap -- sat still in thought. The knowledge it had received from thousands of years of scavenging inside the minds of others seemed endless... and yet it hungered for more. The mouth of the creature turned slowly towards the entrance to the cavern as another decayed Matoran entered, dragging two bodies behind it.

The infected Matoran -- greenish in color, with a tentacle for a left arm, and two larger, leaf-like tentacles rising from its chest -- dropped the two bodies in front of the plant. With a strange movement of its upper body, which could only be described as a sort of bow, the Matoran limped into the crowd of other infected creatures. The plant examined the condition of each body for a moment, and then mentally summoned two balloon-like creatures into the cavern.
The infection forms scurried over to the bodies. Within moments, they were using their two front legs to cut open the Onu-Matoran armor, slowly burrowing into their chests. Once this was done, they entered the body, pushing the necks back until they seemed like nothing more than the hood of a cloak, and pushed their sensory tentacles out.

Slowly, very slowly, the two newly infected Onu-Matoran stood up. The plant creature's mouth twisted into what seemed to be a smile, as he watched as yet another figure entered the chamber, flanked by two infected Xians. The Toa of Iron struggled to free himself as he was dragged in front of the plant, thrown on to the ground in a manner very much like a child tossing away a toy. He stared in fear as an infection form began running towards him.
What happened next was a complete surprise to the plant. The Toa leaped up, using his elemental powers to create a blade of Protosteel, and then destroy the small parasite. Several of the infected surrounding him let out roars of anger as they pounced on him, though he was able to fend them off.

Soon enough, the plant had had enough of the commotion, as he gripped the Toa with two of his tentacles. Raising him to eye level, he began to mentally speak to the Toa.
Do you fear your Destiny, little Toa? he asked. Such emotion is poorly placed in my presence... Why be afraid, when death beckons to you with the other choice?
The Toa was either too afraid to or had no answer to these questions, for he continued to stare at the plant.
Do not be fearful of your fate... the plant said. I am the giver of peace; the essence of harmony... the sanctuary of life...
With a yell of pure terror, the Toa of Iron slashed at one of the tentacles, successfully cutting it. This was a very bad move, as the plant mentally roared in anger, it's grip tightening.
Your resistance of my will is FUTILE! he said. for I am the King of the Parasite -- RUAKI!
With the last word, Ruaki snapped the Toa's spine, dropping his body to the ground, and returned to his thoughts.

-- Edited by Wolf at 05:52, 2008-11-11

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Florestadream


RiverClan Warrior

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*smiles* I know some of the terms, Wolf. *laughs embaressedly* Um... Yeah. I kinda liek to build Bionicles. I'll totally read this... When I have time. *sighs* So much to do, so little time. I bet it's wonderful, though!

__________________

07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.
. 
Wyvernclaw


WindClan Warrior

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XD Nothing to be embarrassed about (Well, unless you're older than sixteen, since the boxes clearly say Ages 7-16. :P) But, yeah; I'm told that this is pretty good, though I want to make it scarier. >=(

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Florestadream


RiverClan Warrior

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*grins* Nope, I'm not sixteen. This is very good; finally read it. But I'm kinda dense when it comes to scary writings... xD I can't help it. It's kinda like how I'm dense when people talk to me... I completely zone out.

__________________

07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.
. 
Wyvernclaw


WindClan Warrior

Status: Offline
Posts: 1452
Date:
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XD Well, thanks for reading it, anyway. Even if I didn't get any scary-tips. XD Ah, well. There's the off-chance that someone else will read it. :)

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Florestadream


RiverClan Warrior

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Posts: 2635
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Well... *thinks hard* Of the scary books I've read, you need to have a strong plot, and have few encounters with the scary being or event to make the event even scarier. It creates breath-taking suspense, and it almost kills you when something suddenly happens. :) I hope that helped. :3

__________________

07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.
. 
Lilyspirit


RiverClan Warrior

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Posts: 3555
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I loved it. And yes, I am famiiar with the Bionicle terms. xD I think you should describe the Matoran corpse more, though. I really like how the Toa shows hope, and resistance, and how the plant creature shoves it aside and slaps it down like it were a fly. n.n very nice work, Wolf!

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Here's my personal info. Don't hesitate to contact me if you ever need anything! <3

http://dorm-stuck-gamer.tumblr.com/

https://www.facebook.com/brooke.martineau
Florestadream


RiverClan Warrior

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Posts: 2635
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Hahaha, and I'm never imbarassed because I'm too dense about that too. I should really pay more attention, though my IQ is high... Yeah, more attention. I'm ditzy too; run into walls a lot. So that's probably why the scarriness of lots of things don't effect me. But yes; Lily is right; your descriptions are great; and I read it to my brother and he almost started crying, he thought it was so scary. ( Okay, that has to make you laugh. )

__________________

07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.
. 
Lilyspirit


RiverClan Warrior

Status: Offline
Posts: 3555
Date:
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lol. I'm like Bella in Twilight. Trouble always tends to find me. xD

Plus, my friends say it's very amusing to watch me try and walk down a hallway to my next class. xDDD

__________________

Here's my personal info. Don't hesitate to contact me if you ever need anything! <3

http://dorm-stuck-gamer.tumblr.com/

https://www.facebook.com/brooke.martineau
Wyvernclaw


WindClan Warrior

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Posts: 1452
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@Vally: How old is your brother, exactly? XD I mean, iof he's under eight then I can understand (sort of) but if he's older...
Anyway, this is only a small tidbit of what should be a forty to fifty chapter story, the plot is in there somewhere. =)

@Lilyspirit: Cool; another term-knower. XD Glad you liked it (that seems to be my most common response to people... Huh.) But, yeah; i left it not very described so as to leave a bit of freedom for the imagination.
Ruaki is like a child in a lot of ways, isn't he? If he doesn't get what he wants (in this case, obediance in the Toa), he'll continue trying to get it until they either give it to him, he show him that they are absolutely adamant about their state of mind, and will then kill them.

Soo, yeah. Glad to see some positive reviews. =)

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