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Warrior Cats: The Four Clans -> Fan-Fiction -> Running (One-Shot) [Blinded Re-Named]
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TOPIC: Running (One-Shot) [Blinded Re-Named]
Moonstar


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Running (One-Shot) [Blinded Re-Named]
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Running
By Moonstar
--ADVANCED CRITIQUE ENCOURAGED WHILE COMMENTING PLEASE

The whispering wind gently swept her fallen, defeated bangs out of her hazel eyes, crimson in pain, the winter grass tickling her pale toes. But the overpowering words that had never been lipped somehow stabbed her heart, hearing phrases she had never been told. Yet, even blinded by his grace, his shaggy, auburn locks, and his spotted fern eyes, somehow the forbidden truth had unmistakably gnawed a wound in her pestering thoughts. The moons reflected light bounced off of the calming, skinny stream, the trickling water racing as freely as her tears.

Suddenly, a masculine silhouette cascaded from the stars, rapidly forming, shaping, framing. Frightened, she revealed a fearful gasp as she stood up and slowly, ever so slowly, backed into the sturdy fir tree shed been leaning against. With delicate steps as to not panic her or increase her dainty heartbeat further, he steadily moved towards her. Like a stunned fawn, she paled, her spine grinding against the jagged tree bark. It pierced her skin, and she flinched from the pain. The river continued to run, ever so freely, ever so swiftly.

His identity was undecided, but the image was beautiful. The gentle padding of his cautious footsteps was haunting. With an aching heart, she suddenly realized who this was. The past was shoved aside, all heartbreak forgotten and wilted. And with cheerful eyes and a brightening smile that overwhelmed the evening shadows, she ran. Her feet churned the grass beneath them, her smile blinded with joy. She dove into his strong arms, melting into his chest, draped over his shoulders. He rocked her. Back and forth they swayed, her face buried in his tattered Abercrombie t-shirt. She sensed his lips, his perfect, quiet lips, gingerly press against her head. Her brunette waves tensed in a static mess from the simple touch, affection coursing hastily through her veins.

His golden smile shook her, and goose bumps rose uncontrollably on her arms. She trembled in reckless shivers from the chilly winds and wingless love.

And with a jolt of shock and confusion, all had vanished.

She fell, down, down to the grass. The figment had left her, rejected her. Had she gone mad? Collapsed on the ground, defeated, without purpose, she released a yowl in rage, hurling herself into the river. The shallow waters enraged her spirits as she released bone-tightening screams, thrashing against the rippling waves, her hair sweeping in thin, dripping strings. Droplets clung forcefully to her long eyelashes; the memories suddenly began to flood her mind. She was drowning in her own thoughts, being consumed by the one who had broken her heart. And somehow, she really had thought that maybe, just maybe, he was better than that. Maybe the mistake was to be cherished.

But maybe it was all her hideous fault.

And as her soaking self, she climbed slowly out of the river, dashing away, following the stream. Running from her fears, her thoughts, her mind, only to be chased until she was finally forced to let him go.

----------------------------------------------------------------

the literature title will probably be changed, considering i'm about to upload a poem I wrote before this called Blind.
So yeah, I kinda stole the title from myself. mwahaha. i'mma rebel.

anyways, i'm having a serious dip in my love life right now.
my favorite line is the very very last line.

please comment and critique generously and thoughtfully.
thanks ma'am.


-- Edited by Moonstar at 16:53, 2009-02-08

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Florestadream


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RE: Blinded (One-Shot)
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I could just picture the girl whispering after, "I believed it... I believed him..."

XD Very well written, Moony! I loved it, and I wouldn't change anything! It describes the emotion very well... I'm doing my homework right now... I'll do a full critique/review tomorrow! You shall see!

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07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.
. 
Moonstar


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Oh wow, I love that! Sounds so cool. And since the girl is supposed to be me, it definitely is something i've said or would say. So very cool. ^^ haah.

Thank you sooo much! I truly appreciate it. And can't wwait, haha! xD

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Karma


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ah beck, ur SSSSSOOOO dramatic :) Good for stories but in life............ :l haha

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Lilyspirit


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love it love it love it!

I love the way you describe things, but your writing style is bittersweet to me. I feel like there's an amaising ammount of description, fit for even my high standards, but somehow it seems... Like too much. Not sure how, but it seems just a bit.

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Moonstar


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Flamie: Thanks! haha i know i am. XD
Lilykins: Thanks!! haha i understand, thanks for being honest. ^^ it's probably because i kinda make the story like a poem but longer... in a way, anyway.
thanks guys! :D

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Amourapaw


ThunderClan Medicine Cat Apprentice

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oh wow mooney. the story is so descriptive, so emotional. luv it *sob sob* sounds like a love story... is a love story XD

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darlin',
you're hiding in the closet
once again, start smiling.
I know you're tryin', real hard
not to turn your head away
pretty darling, face tomorrow
tomorrow's not yesterday. <3

 
Moonstar


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Thanks so much; it means a lot to me. ^^
Haha, like your sig! love stories ftw! :D

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Amourapaw


ThunderClan Medicine Cat Apprentice

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lol. perfect match ! :P

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darlin',
you're hiding in the closet
once again, start smiling.
I know you're tryin', real hard
not to turn your head away
pretty darling, face tomorrow
tomorrow's not yesterday. <3

 
Florestadream


RiverClan Warrior

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Posts: 2635
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I'm so sorry this is late. I've fallen ill, and last year I got pneumonia, so my mom is being extra careful.
Anyways, here it is!

MAGNIFICENT! The way the words flowed was absolutely magical. From the very start this one-shot captivated me, and made me read slow--which is a rarity for me. I loved how much emotion was put into this, and how it made me almost cry the second time I read it. Though some places there should have been a semi-colon, I thought this was very good with grammar and spelling. You can tell what this story was for, and what it was about, and I didn't exactly love that it was that easy to figure out, but I loved how you weaved little details in and out of the story. The very last part was quite confusing though. Isn't a stream smaller than a river? That made little sense to me, despite the fact the long stentence was very well put together. All together I thought it was wonderful, and I'm sorry if any of my critisism hurt your feelings.

__________________

07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.
. 
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