Hey guys! I'm starting another Digimon story, but I think this one is way better than the first one. Anyways, here's chapter 1!
"Get up, quickly! Before he comes!"
Jason looked up and saw a beast man standing above him. Jason quickly jumped to his feet and backed away from the creature until he felt a stone wall behind him.
"What do you want from me?" He asked.
"Help. We need your help. All of you." It answered.
"All of us?"
Jason looked around and saw that they were in a cave. On the floor, not far from him, were other humans. They were just starting to wake up.
"We need to leave, now!" The beast man shouted.
Its shout woke up the other humans who jumped to their feet like Jason had when they saw the beast man. Jason looked back at the beast man and noticed that he looked like a cross between a man and a lion. It had ice blue eyes, golden fur, and a mane of white fur. A large black coat hung on its shoulders and a large, pink, X-shaped mark could be seen on its chest.
"Bancholeomon, the king isn't pleased. You shouldn't have brought them here."
The lion man growled when he heard the deep voice echo through the tunnel behind into the cave.
"They're already here?" It turned and looked at the wall behind Jason. "Move!"
Jason quickly moved out of the way as the beast man grabbed a large boulder and pushed. The heavy rock moved slowly. It continued to push until a small gap appeared between the boulder and wall.
"Quickly, in here."
"Wait, you haven't even told us who you are, where we are, or why were here!" The only girl asked.
"We dont have time! Just go!" The lion man shoved all four of them through the gap.
Before anyone could try to turn around and go back, the boulder was pushed back into its original place.
"Great, now were confused, lost, and alone." Someone said.
"This way."
"Which way? Who is here?"
"Just us, I think."
"Who exactly is 'us'?"
"Put one hand on the wall and keep going in the only direction you can."
"Does anybody know what we're doing here?"
"The lion guy said we're here to help."
"Help with what?"
"I don't know..."
"I see a light!"
Everyone fell silent as the light came into view for everyone. Once they saw it, they took off running towards it.
"Outside looks even more depressing than the cave." Said a brown haired boy who was looking up.
Everyone looked up and saw a dark sky with streaks of red. The ground was nothing more than a giant wasteland. Behind them was a small mountain.
"How did we get here?" Asked the girl.
"Someone brought you here when they weren't supposed to."
Everyone jumped when they heard the deep, gruff voice. A massive, silver, mechanical monster stepped out from behind the mountain. It was almost as big as the mountain. Ox-like horns curved off of its head and strange spiral markings could be seen on its nose. Two cannons were attached to its back. A long spiked tail coiled once around the base of the mountain.
"This is who Bancholeomon found? Human children? How pathetic. I have nothing to worry about. But just in case..."
The machine monster raised one of its hands and began charging energy.
"If this is the best they could find, then my reign will never end!"
"No!"
Everyone looked up and watched as the lion man jumped from one of the openings high up in the mountain towards the mechanical monster. It kicked the giant metal hand that was bigger than it was. The machine bellowed loudly, but it didnt seem to be in any pain. It raised its hand again and swatted the beast man. Bancholeomon slammed into the ground, hard.
"We need to get out of here." The girl said.
"You don't have to tell me twice." Said the brown haired boy.
He turned around and ran straight into another monster.
"Where do you think you're going?" It asked.
Jason immediately recognized the voice as the one in the tunnel. This monster looked like an evil knight. It wore black armor and wielded a large battle axe. The brown haired boy backed away from the knight. The new monster raised it hand and summoned a chain which it threw at the humans. The chain seemed to come to life as it wrapped itself around them.
"Excellent work Chaosknightmon." The machine monster was now walking towards them. One of its hands changed into a cannon which it aimed at them. Chaosknightmon jumped away from them so that it wouldn't be caught in the blast.
Well, this adventure was short lived. Thought Jason as the cannon began glow.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion as the cannon fired. Jason watched as the ball of energy headed towards them and collided with Bancholeomon.
"Where did he come from?" Asked the brown haired boy.
"Why did he do that?" Asked the girl.
Jason just stared at Bancholeomon. Bancholeomon roared in pain as the blast enveloped him. There was a flash of light and then everything went black.
Only you can stop him...
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Saturday 22nd of August 2009 11:38:56 PM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 08:33:53 PM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Monday 24th of August 2009 10:04:07 PM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Wednesday 26th of August 2009 06:21:25 AM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Thursday 27th of August 2009 01:46:23 AM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Monday 31st of August 2009 02:54:01 AM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Saturday 5th of September 2009 12:26:23 AM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Saturday 19th of September 2009 05:32:56 PM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Saturday 7th of November 2009 12:44:49 AM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Thursday 4th of March 2010 01:19:55 AM
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Friday 16th of July 2010 09:25:22 PM
Pretty good for a start. I like how you only refer to one person by an actual name; it makes me want to read the next chapter more. =) Though, not to be rude or anything, but I find the descriptions kind of... missing. Like, the characters are going down a tunnel... Okay; but it's never really shown how confused the characters are by their sudden appearance in a totally different world, nor is the tunnel ever really described.
So, I guess my only advice would be to try to describe the surroundings and character emotions more. Other than that, it looks like this'll turn out to be a pretty good story. =)
EDIT: Corrected first sentence. "First start" makes it sound like this is your first story, even though it isn't. =3
-- Edited by Wolf on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 04:05:58 AM
Hey guys, here's chapter 2. There's a lot of dialogue in this chapter, but it's explaining stuff. I promise that there will be action in the next couple chapters. I still need a title, suggestions would be great.
Every bone in Jasons body ached. He grunted as he tried to push himself up.
"'Bout time someone else woke up."
Jason looked behind him and saw an armored, scaled creature staring at him. Its armor was white and the scales that could be seen in the gaps of the armor were blue-silver. Ears came out of the helmet just behind its amber eyes. A sword hung from his waist. Before he could say anything, the creature spoke again.
"You're a monster too."
"What?" Jason stared at the creature, confused.
"Take a look at yourself. There's a pool over there." It pointed towards a small pool of water that was surrounded by three trees.
Jason cautiously approached the pool. He looked down into the shallow water and gasped at what he saw. A red, black striped, reptilian face stared back at him. A single horn grew from his nose. He looked down at his hands and saw long curved claws for fingers. Claws also grew from his toes. He had yellow eyes and black stripes going down his back all the way to the tip of his short tail.
"What happened to me?" He cried.
"Holy crap!"
Jason looked over at an insect-like monster. It had four wings sprouting from its back and pincers on its mouth. It had blue colored hard armor and in between the hard armor was green. The small, blue-gray furred canine creature that lay nearby it jumped to its feet with a high pitched yelp. It had two short fangs growing from its wolfish face and a monkey like tail. It also had green eyes. None of the monsters seemed that big, maybe three feet at most. The armored monster chuckled.
"What are you laughing at?" The bug asked.
"You guys. We're all monsters."
"What do you mean?" The bug c0cked its head.
"He means just what he says he means. We're all monsters." Jason said.
Both the insect and furred creature looked down at their hands.
"Oh man what happened to me?"
"I look like a mutant fur ball!"
Jason recognized the voices. The insect sounded like the brown haired boy and the furred creature sounded like the girl. If they've been turned into monsters, than that means the armored one is that other kid. Thought Jason.
"Is there a reason why we're all monsters?" Asked the girl.
"Yes."
Everyone paused for a second when they heard the new voice.
"Who's there?" The armored creature stood up and drew his sword.
"Easy Steven, I'm here to help."
"How do you know my name?"
"I know many things. As you can all see, you've been turned into Digimon."
"What's a Digimon?" The insect asked.
"The monsters you have all seen are Digimon. You are currently in the Digital World."
"Why?" Shouted Jason. "Why did you bring us here? Why did we turn into Digimon?"
"I turned you into Digimon to keep you hidden."
"From who?" Asked Steven.
"Mechadramon. He has declared himself 'King of the Gods'. Anyone who could've stood a chance against him has been destroyed. Shortly after he had become the supreme ruler of our world, it was said that only humans could destroy him and end his reign of terror."
"So you brought us here? What can we do to him?" The furred monster asked.
"Become stronger. Then, maybe, you can stop him."
"Maybe?" The bug seemed worried.
"Who are you?" Steven seemed ready to pick a fight with the disembodied voice.
"I am Bancholeomon."
"Hey! You were the lion guy who got blown up by that metal guy!" The insect said, surprised. "You survived that attack?"
"Barely, but I've used the rest of my energy to turn you into Digimon. You must stay hidden from Mechadramon and any of his allies. In order for you to do that, you must go by your Digimon names. Jason, you are Gravmon. Steven, you are Slashdramon. Kevin, you are Sectmon. And Sarah, you are Kamilomon."
"Sectmon? What kind of name is that?" The insect c0cked his head, clearly not pleased with his new name.
"Now I must go. I have done what I can. Good luck."
"Wait!" Jason shouted, but there was no answer.
"How do we get stronger?" Asked Sarah.
"Training." Steven answered.
"Yeah, but you saw how big that guy is. He's huge! There's no way we can beat him." Kevin whined.
"The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Jason said.
"What if they're too big to knock down?"
"Why do you have to be so negative?"
"Why are you so sure that we can beat him?"
"Because Bancholeomon said we could."
"Well, what if he's wrong?"
"Should we stop them?" Sarah asked.
"No, let them argue." Steven answered as he turned and headed away from the two arguing monsters.
"Where are you going?" Jason shouted.
"Away from you guys. I'm going to find a way to get tough enough to beat that giant piece of scrap metal."
"Don't we need to work together?" Sarah asked.
"Yeah, she's right. There's no way you can beat him alone." Said Kevin.
"What happened to us not standing a chance?" Jason asked.
"Shut up dino-boy."
"If you guys wanna help, then come on." Steven said, annoyed.
"All right, all right. Were comin'." Kevin said.
I hope Bancholeomon is right about us. Thought Jason.
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 08:39:49 PM
Chapter 3!! I've got the next two chapters (and the final chapter) planned out and I've got a title! There is also action, like I promised, in this and the next couple chapters.
"See anything?" Jason shouted to Kevin who was flying high above them.
"I see trees, trees, and more trees."
"Great, well be stuck in this forest forever." Sarah complained.
Kevin landed and they continued walking until Sarah stopped.
"What's up?" Jason asked.
"Do you smell that?" She said.
"Smell what?" Asked Kevin.
"It smells like food!"
"Hey wait!" Steven shouted as Sarah tore past him.
"We might as well follow her." Jason said.
Steven groaned but he started jogging with the rest of the group. Eventually, they caught up with Sarah. They found her staring straight ahead.
"Hey you all right?" Jason asked.
There was the sound of snapping branches as a large red insect like Digimon emerged from the trees.
"Look at what I found? A few lost rookies? Today must be my lucky day." The giant beetle said.
"Nice giant buggy." Kevin said, backing away.
"Giant buggy? I am a Kuwagamon, and that is the only name I will be going by. Not giant buggy!"
"Nice going Kev." Jason growled.
"Run!" Shouted Steven.
Jason dove out of the way as Kuwagamon jabbed his giant pincers into the earth right where they had been standing. Jason rolled over, opened his mouth and fired a red-orange laser at Kuwagamon's head. Kuwagamon roared in pain as he tugged his pincers free.
"I'm gonna make you pay for that!" He bellowed. "Scissor Claw!"
Jason quickly moved out of the way as Kuwagamon raised one of his four arms and slashed downward.
"Tiny Blaze!" Steven threw a small ball of fire at Kuwagamon's hand. The giant insect growled and turned his attention to the small, armored Digimon.
"I'm gonna tear you all apart!" He roared.
"Bring it buggy!" Jason growled. "Blaze Claw!"
The Kuwagamon stumbled backwards as Jason's burning claws slashed at his chest.
"Static Stinger!"
"Frosted Breath!"
A bolt of electricity and a gust of freezing cold wind struck the Kuwagamon's arm. His arm froze and then shattered. Kuwagamon screamed in pain.
Steven drew his sword. "Minor Demon Slayer!"
Steven's sword began glow with a golden light. He raised it high above his head and leapt at Kuwagamon. Kuwagamon screamed even louder as the shining blade sliced him in half. The insect Digimon's screams of pain ended when it exploded and reformed into an egg which flew away.
"Should we go catch it?" Kevin asked.
"No, I don't think we'll be seeing him again for awhile." Steven said.
"What makes you think that?"
"Dunno." Steven shrugged.
"Maybe it's the same thing that made us know what to do when he challenged us." Jason said.
"Could be."
"C'mon!" Sarah said, going in the direction the Kuwagamon had come from.
"Where are you going?"
"In the direction of the scent of food."
"I smell it too." Kevin said.
"Well now we know she isn't crazy." Jason said.
"Shut up Dino-boy."
"Will you stop calling me that."
"Make me."
Jason groaned. They continued walking, following Sarah who seemed to be able to smell the scent of food better than they could. Jason noticed that they seemed to be following the Kuwagamon's trail. Branches were snapped off of trees, claw marks could be seen in the trunks. Why was Kuwagamon tearing apart the forest? Thought Jason.
"Found it!"
Jason was disrupted from his thoughts when he heard Sarah's shout.
"It's a tree." Said Kevin, annoyed.
"Look up."
"Are those drumsticks?" Jason asked.
"No way!"
A large tree towered above them. It seemed to have escaped Kuwagamon's wrath for there were no marks on it. Growing from its branches were what appeared to be chicken legs.
"You know what, I think I like this world." Said Kevin as he flew up into the tree.
"Get some for us too." Jason shouted.
"Get your own dino-boy."
Jason growled and attempted to climb the tree. As he dug his claws into the trunk, he noticed something in the bushes behind the tree.
"What's that?" He asked.
"What? That?" Kevin looked at what Jason was pointing at. "Looks like a giant strawberry from here."
Jason abandoned the tree and went to investigate the strange red object in the bushes. As he approached it, it moved. Jason jumped back and cried out in surprise. The red object opened up, sprouted wings, and tried to fly away.
"Wait!" Sarah cried out. "Come back! We won't hurt you!"
"How do you know that thing won't try to hurt us?" Kevin yelled, a chicken leg hanging from his pincers.
The red creature paused and turned around. Jason could see it was some sort of small insect. It was red with dark gray bumps on its back. It had large green eyes and orange ribbon like antennae on its head.
"You wont hurt me?" It asked.
"No." Sarah said.
"Good, I saw you destroy the Kuwagamon that was chasing me and I thought you might destroy me too."
"We only attacked him because he attacked us first."
"He saw you as an intruder and tried to get rid of you. Grandkuwagamon doesn't like intruders in his territory. If he hears you destroyed one of his soldiers, he'll come after you.
"I say bring it!" Jason said.
"But you're just rookies, Grandkuwagamon is a mega level Digimon. He'll destroy you easily."
"A mega level?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah, mega level. But I wouldn't worry about him."
"Oh no!" The small insect Digimon cried as two more Kuwagamon and a larger gray, four legged insect emerged from the trees.
"Oh no is right. Looks like we caught some intruders. And it sounds like they took out one of our buddies. How about we avenge our fallen comrade." The gray insect said.
-- Edited by Dragonstar on Monday 24th of August 2009 10:03:02 PM
Just now have time to review the chapters, so sorry for the delay.
Anyway, they're pretty interesting. I like how the Kuwagamon battle mimics the fight in the first episode of season 1, and the conversation regarding the drumstick tree was entertaining.
Two problems I just noticed, though, are with punctuation and grammar. The punctuation problem isn't really that big, as it only occurs a couple of times, such as in Okuwamon statement at the end of the last chapter: "Oh no is right. Looks like we caught some intruders. And it sounds like they took out one of our buddies. How about we avenge our fallen comrade."
There should be a question mark after comrade, and a comma after both "Oh"s, as well as two non-shifted quotation marks (') before and after "Oh, no" since he's quoting something someone else said. Aside from that and a couple of other instances, like one or two "well" instead of the correct "we'll", it's all good. =)
The grammar issue is also easily solved. Pretty much, after someone talks, I noticed that you capitalize the word used to describe how the character said it (shouted, said, etc.) Unless it's a character name, it shouldn't be capitalized. And another thing that popped into my mind is that you use periods when characters stop talking, instead of commas (EX: '"It's a tree," said Kevin, annoyed.' would be the proper way to write that piece.) So, again, easily fixed. =) And I apologize if I'm getting annoying with my nit-pickyness - I'm just a GRAMMA HAMMA addict. =3
So, yeah. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
-- Edited by Wolf on Wednesday 26th of August 2009 03:18:36 AM
=P So I've heard from other people... Though not exactly from -my- Gramma Hamma. XD
I think I would, since I had one for sooo long on DW2. XD
BTW, as a side note, if you post the next chapter tomorrow, I most likely won't be able to review until the day after tomorrow, since I'm going back to Oregon tomorrow. =3 But good luck!
hey you can use my three digimon if you like. i sent the pnm to you.
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"Well if we don't kill him maybe there will be death and destruction and maybe this realm will be destroyed and the Cykarie Realm (otherwise know as the Sye Realm in the future) will have a waged war with a realm Blackfang named after himself." Ryujini said then paused. The three of them broke out laughing.