Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

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TOPIC: Rate a character please? :3


ThunderClan Leader

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Rate a character please? :3


Wasn't sure where to post this, but I'd like some feedback on this charrie here.


Name: Theodren (Theo) Lodrintian

Gender: Male

Age: 19 (may occasionally appear as 15 [Saeolyn would not be with him if he is so young])

Appearance: Long blond hair, straight, kept in a single ponytail down his back, deep green eyes, enjoys wearing cloaks and rags, worn clothes, or anything comfortable. Is almost always found wearing his old hunters boots, and oft has his bow (handed down from his father who received it from his father). It is of a strong wood, pliable, yet firm, and engraved. This longbow holds great meaning to him, and has saved him many a time. If leaving it behind would save his life in a situation, he would probably go back and get it and take the risk of dying. It is all he has left of his father, and he hopes it will become an heirloom of his family(if he grows old enough to have a family). His cloak, made of a soft, medium-thick thread was given to him by his mother, who had received it as a gift from a very dear (and very rich) friend. The cloak is in hues of dark green, and it does very well to match with woodland and any green grassland. Those two possessions are his chief treasures, and he does not care for much else he carries. He is quite tall, pushing just over 61. The muscles on his arms are defined from all the practice he has had with his bow, while his calves have enough definition from the running he did to catch his dinner. Two long daggers are his companions for close combat, and they have seen much battle, whether it be for his dinner, or from other ruffians. He has a pair of archers gloves, with the two fingers on the left hand (for he is left-handed) and the rest being fingerless. Gauntlets made of leather adorn his forearms whilst he normally wears rags and light leather to cover his body. Being a long-distance fighter, he has not much need for thick, heavy armor, especially at the expense of moving quickly and silently.

Personality:Theodren often appears cold and distant to strangers, a lonesome traveler, and one not well-disposed to humanity. He does, however, have a soft side, one his little sister knows quite well. Around her, he is the older brother anyone would want, especially after their parents died in the burning of their village (done by rouges and outlaws). He has a sharp tongue, when he is driven enough to use it, for otherwise he could be quite quiet. He did not have the talent to want to tell the world of his endeavors, as his sister sometimes did. Few friends did he have, and those were mostly met through trading of meat for money (when he was but a child and needing money for bread and such), or through people such as the tailor, who he oft had to go to (because of his tendency to rip his clothes on convenient branches). The butcher from his home had escaped the fire and moved away, and Theodren had by chance met him many years later. He is more at home at night, or in the dark (the dim forest, spottled with sunlight would do), where his skills can keep him hidden and show all attempting to pass or hide to him clearly. The stars and moon he loves to stare at, and his sister took the habit to sit next to him at night and gaze at the sky with him. She is one of the few people who can get him to smile, or joke even. Only once has she heard his laugh since the fire, and it seemed so beautiful to her then (for she had not heard it for so long), that she began to cry.

History:As a child his father taught him to hunt and his mother sent him out on the daily hunt when she realized that his attributes made him suited to hunt and not do farm work. Theo took up the job of hunting every day, turning in some meat to get bread and money, and keeping the rest. Then, when he was 16, outlaws and rogues set fire to the village, killed the townspeople, took their treasures, and let the fire eat up the rest. Theo had pulled his coughing sister out of their room, pulled her from their home, and was almost smashed by a falling support on his way back in to get his mother. He had assumed that his father was not inside, but it turned out that he had gone in to save his wife. Both perished. Their horse, Draego, was their familys horse, and was spared by his little sisters memory. She had always been close to Draego, and so Theodren had pulled the horse out before the shed caught fire and they rode away from the scene of death. Ever since, Theo was extremely close to his sister, keeping her away from all humankind, he seeing some fault, some cause for suspicion in each he met. As she grew, he became a little more lenient, and made sure to teach her the skills of sword and bow, so that if something ever happened when he was gone, she could protect herself (or at least hold the offender off until he could come back). He had bought her a sword, of not too great length, considering her height and stature, and a shortbow, so she could at least practice, and if ever saw a threat beforehand, she could attack it before it actually threatened her. At the moment, he works as a traveling mercenary of sorts, working or doing odd jobs for pay, hunting for food, trading with butchers and such for money. He became a man of the woods where he mostly resides, and was sometimes called a ghoul that haunted the forest. Townspeople (of all the towns nearby) did not usually stray into the forest alone, even for hunting. The bravest would at least bring one of their hunting dogs with them, risking the potential noise to protect them from this cloaked ranger.

 

 

 

I haven't done his little sister yet, but I shall if you'd like me to :o



__________________

"If he dies, then it will be God's will."

"If that was meant to be comforting, it was not."

"Everyone dies eventually. Once you are born, you begin to die."

"That was not comforting either!"

"It is the way of the Creed. Usually our deaths are violent but quick."

"Old man, are you trying to provoke me?"

-Stolen from a fanfic~-


WindClan Warrior

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Posts: 1452
Date:

Y'know, it might be a bit easier to tell how good of a character this is if we knew what story he was a part of. ;) I'm assuming it's something LoTR-esque, though, given his description and stuff.

Anyway, it's pretty good. The only thing structure-wise is the paragraphs could be separated (split in half) so that they are easier to read -- I had a little trouble because of how big they were, but it's no biggie. =)

The character itself is good. However, I think a little bit of flair could be added to his personality. Right now -- and I mean no offense by this -- but right now he just seems like a sort of... I don't know. I guess what I mean is I've seen it before -- cold guy with softness. Maybe he could like... be witty or something despite his cold demeanor? Yeah; just something to make him not quite so cookie-cutterish, you know?

Other than that, I think he's pretty interesting, and I sense a lot of potential if used correctly. As for his sister -- I'd love to review her, if you want an opinion. =)


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ThunderClan Leader

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Posts: 3570
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Haha, you got that right. I wrote him recently after watching the first half of Two Towers (for the how many-th time? :3''')

And yeah, that would make sense if he's a bit witty, although I have done that quite a few times, but never for such a character.

Breaking the paragraphs also sounds smart :o In my Word document, they have a bigger font and are double spaced, so it's a lot easier to read. XDD


And I still haven't written her D:! BUT I shall....eventually :3'''


Again, thanks for the kindness in critiquing (I thought I had killed the FourTrees forum)

__________________

"If he dies, then it will be God's will."

"If that was meant to be comforting, it was not."

"Everyone dies eventually. Once you are born, you begin to die."

"That was not comforting either!"

"It is the way of the Creed. Usually our deaths are violent but quick."

"Old man, are you trying to provoke me?"

-Stolen from a fanfic~-


WindClan Warrior

Status: Offline
Posts: 1452
Date:

That was a lucky guess- erm, I mean, ha! My Scottish-Russian-whatever-other-nationalities-I-am intuition was right!

Vell, it also doesn't necessarily have to be wittiness -- just an odd perk to make him a little more interesting, ya know? Personally, I'd look for something that would make sense, but that you haven't done before in a character, especially in a fairly dark one like Theo.


Anywho, yeah, it's no problem -- i'm always happy to help when it comes to writing. ^_^

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ThunderClan Leader

Status: Offline
Posts: 3570
Date:

Hmm, so instead of wittiness, him being sharp-tongued? xD Or something like that :o

__________________

"If he dies, then it will be God's will."

"If that was meant to be comforting, it was not."

"Everyone dies eventually. Once you are born, you begin to die."

"That was not comforting either!"

"It is the way of the Creed. Usually our deaths are violent but quick."

"Old man, are you trying to provoke me?"

-Stolen from a fanfic~-
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