Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

xD

:/ -bites pm-

well, from what i read (the first couple lines of the first pm haha n__n;), you shouldn't be afraid to delve out and describe people. some of the choppiness comes from trying to jam too much into one sentence. of course, you should try to use some transition to the descriptions. transition, for me, usually is in comparison to the other characters. if someone feels plain / ugly / pretty /whatever compared to someone else, explain why as you try and interweave the descriptions into it. or if they're dressed (in)appropriately for the weather, you could also use that as an excuse to lead into description. there're a lot of ways to get into those kinds of things.

comparison; physical.

xD i don't know how to respond to that but i'm glad you enjoyed it? c:

x) you're welcome. ~

Here's part something I wrote awhile ago. Still kinda working on it.
I'll go with the hammer to the face critique.

Beware, it was typed on word and copy and apsted here. It may be missing quotation marks/ apostraphes.

Chrome howled and bellowed with his fellow dragons. He was loudest of them all. Having five heads really helped. Two dragons rolled in the dirt doing their best to pin the other down. One dragon was a cave dragon, while the other was an armor dragon. The emerald green cave dragon was larger and had harder scales. Its head was large with short horns. One was between his nostrils while two more sprouted from behind his eyes.  The armor dragon had wings which the cave dragon did not have, but this provided no advantage for either side for the wings were pressed tightly against the bronze dragons back. The armor dragon had no horns or spikes anywhere on his body. His scales were smooth and the so close together that it looked like the dragon had skin instead of scales.

Both dragons were equal in strength and had great difficulty pinning the other down. Chrome began to grow bored of this and stepped into the ring. The ring had been created from the crowd of dragons that had gathered. Using his superior size and strength, the large black dragon pinned the two wrestling dragons to the ground.

"Thats cheating, Chrome! Get off!" the cave dragon growled.

One of Chrome's heads was lowered so that it next to the green dragons ear.

"Make me." Chrome hissed.

The cave dragon went into an angry rage, but he still couldnt do anything. The crowd of dragons had moved in and were dragging both him and the armor dragon away. Chrome followed, smiling at the two dragons as they gave him death glares.

"Are you guys ready?" He asked as they approached a muddy river.

"I'm gonna kill you Chrome!"

The five headed dragon laughed at the cave dragons threat.  "You couldn't kill a scale digger if you tried!"

The dragon roared in rage as he and the armor dragon were tossed into the river. Mud splattered everyone. There was a loud bellow as the cave dragon burst through the crowd charging towards Chrome. Each of the five heads smiled as the jet black dragons paw curled into a fist. There was a crack as Chromes blow sent the cave dragon flying.

The crowd laughed as the green dragon struggled to his feet. Raising one paw to his jaw, the dragon turned to leave. He avoided all five pairs of eyes as Chrome watched him leave.

Eventually, the only ones who remained were Chrome and the armor dragon.

"You all right, Drig?" Chrome asked.

"Yeah, but I could've taken him."

"We both know Zurgan's a cheater. He would've probably clawed your eyes out."

"Yeah, but did you need to pin both of us? Couldn't you have just gotten Zurgan?"

"Had to make it fair. Now, are you going to sit there all day or are we going to head back?"

Drig smiled and rose to his feet. "I guess I should thank you."

"Yeah, you should. Or maybe next time I should just leave you there."

"I'd rather you not."

"C'mon, lets go."

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Four of Chromes heads watched Weapons Lord Wyrg as he explained how a war hammer could be stopped mid swing by a dagger while the fifth watched Zurgan glare at him and massage his broken jaw. One of his other heads looked over at Drig who was busy taking notes. There was a loud thud as the head of the hammer fell to the ground.

"And if you did this correctly, you should be able to get your opponents throat in the same lunge," Wyrg was saying.

Zurgan had flinched when he heard the thud and was now in pain. When he jumped, his hand had pushed is injured jaw upward. Chrome was able to watch both Zurgan and Wyrg at the same time. He couldn't stop all five heads from cracking a smile.

"Is it possible to perform the same trick or a similar one on an all metal war hammer?" Drig asked.

"Depends on your blade. You would probably need a magic blade to do it, but it could be done," Wyrg answered.

"How about how to avoid it?"

"Look for the signs."

Wyrg began to demonstrate the move again and Chrome began fall asleep. For Chrome, falling asleep was different. One or more heads would begin to doze while the others would remain awake and alert. He would always have at least one head awake no matter what. It was something that all hydra dragons like him were required to learn. Like how all hatchlings were required to learn some combat tricks like the ones Wyrg was teaching them. All of these things and many more were becoming required for the war. A war that had recently begun but was expected to go on for quite awhile.

Chrome didn't doubt the elder dragons when they said the war could last for centuries. The elders had been right about previous things. They had had so much experience that they knew almost everything. The few things they didnt know were what had started this war or what would happen because of it. Hydra dragons and Regen Wyverns were disappearing quickly. Almost none existed of each. Most of the rare species had been found in holes in the ground. Eggs would be abandoned in these holes while the parents would fight. Chrome had been found in one of those holes. Any dragon who found the hole could claim all the eggs for their clan.

Clans. It was strange news to the other species when they heard that dragons were starting to live in clans. What really confused them though was what started the war they were fighting in. None of the other species dared to ask. None of them wished to join either. Dragons were fierce warriors that fought with a strict code. No guns, crossbows, or vehicles. It was illegal to kill a hatchling. The dragons had transport ships they used to get from one planet to another, but these ships were used for the sole purpose of transporting. They weren't armed with anything.

The dragons were so spread out that needed the transport ships to get soldiers to different planets. Any other species that happened to be living on a planet with dragons would pack their things and leave when they heard a dragon transport ship was coming. No one wanted to be caught up in this war. They had heard stories about what the battles were like and didn't want to see a real battlefield for this war themselves.

Since every other species was too frightened to hang around the dragons, none of them were able to find out what caused the war. Not many dragons knew what caused the war either. Only those who were still alive from the beginning of the war knew what caused it. They were fighting because they knew something no other beings knew. They knew where a Demon God hid. They knew which planet to go to. They knew exactly what he looked like. They knew everything about him. And now, they were fighting about it. They were fighting a war that decided whether or not the Demon God died.

                                                                                ----------

Rain poured down from the sky heavily. The sounds of a battle could be heard for miles. A dragon flying above the battle field screamed in pain as a javelin with saw like edges tore through his left side. Blood mixed with rain as the dying dragon plummeted from the sky. A massive brown cave dragon covered in water and blood tore through a crowd of enemies. Many fell to his twin war axes.

"Gerulk!"

The cave dragons war cry echoed across the battle field as his fellow soldiers picked up the cry.

"Gerulk!"

The cave dragon once again bellowed life in the ancient tongue. As he said it, something caught his eye. The brown dragon stepped to the side as a large, spiked, chained metal ball flew through the air where he had been standing seconds before. A Dronitaur emerged from the chaos. It quickly pulled the ball back. Snarling, it began to swing the ball above its horned head.

The ball soared through the air again. The cave dragon dodged it and heard the sickening crack as the deadly weapon crushed the spine of another dragon. The cave dragon didnt look back to see who had been struck. The brown dragon shattered the chain with one of his axes. Unfortunately, he had swung the battle axe so hard, that is was now buried deep in the ground. The Dronitaur roared furiously, lowered his head and charged just as the cave dragon stood up. The brown dragon knew it was over when he felt his breast plate shift upwards. The force of the blow pushed the brown dragon back a few yards. The Minotaur dragon pulled his horns free.

The brown dragon felt his lungs fill with blood. As the Dronitaur pulled away, the cave dragon swung his axe. The blade dug into the other dragons head. Using what little strength he had left, the cave dragon managed to pull his other axe free from the earth. The Dronitaur's howl of pain was cut short as the second axe tore his exposed throat open. The massive, heavily armored dragon fell to the ground, dead. The cave dragon soon followed.

Although the leaders of both sides were dead, the battle kept going. It would keep going until one side was out of living soldiers.

 

-- Edited by Dragonstar on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 01:07:53 AM