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TOPIC: The Life of a Showdog Review Topic


WindClan Apprentice

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The Life of a Showdog Review Topic


Check it out here. I want to hear all your opinions, thoughts, criticism, etc. and I may add more later, so please post all your comments here and check out my story. I may change the name later, you may post ideas for names, but the basic summary is to show the true life of a showdog, in their own thoughts. Are some dogs unwilling to show and do it against their will? After many research on dogs, dog shows, and more, I want to find out with this story. Get the inside scoop and feel free to ask me questions here.

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RiverClan Leader

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Very good! The puppies sound cute, and it's fun to read! Love it!
A few run-on sentencesm comma/semi colon mistakes, past tense/present tense mistakes, maybe you could use some more descriptive words sometimes, like laughing could be changed to a more descriptive word. But that depends on what reading level you want the book to have. ;)
I'm bored so if you don't mind I'mma edit.

Prologue

    I fastened my tiny growing teeth on my sister's small ear.
    "Hey!" she squeaked. She turned around and began to bat at me, and my brother joined in the play fight, too. We all batted at each other with tiny paws.  Then another one of our brothers ran through, knocking us over, and another sister laughed, jumping on the heap of us.  I was at the bottom of this heap. I went limp, and I could feel my siblings beginning to relax, getting ready to squirm away.  But I had planned this, and I jumped up, pushing them over as they fell in various places, laughing. I got to my paws and stood up with my little chin high, the first pup standing among my siblings.  I fell over as a paw almost as big as me bumped my back.  I turned around, ready to attack, and realized it was just my mom, laughing. 
    "It's ready for your naps; you five are too hyper right now," she said. She laid down on her side, and we all ran over and curled up in the curve of her stomach, bunched together, and drifted into sleep. 
    I ran through grass just my size, in pursuit of the butterfly with my siblings beside me. I leapt up, and my brother, Kipper, batted it to the ground first.  I fell to the ground and rushed to the butterfly to bat at it, but found myself indoors.  Tiny, my other brother, ran at me, ready to leap, and my sister, Daisy, came at me from the side. I rolled over and nipped her ear, and I felt something grasp my body all the way around. Thinking one of my siblings was attacking me, I turned around...
  
I woke up, and gasped.  I was still grasped all the way around, but it was a human hand, belonging to a stranger, and I was being lifted off the ground. I whined as I saw the stranger's face.  It wasn't even any of my owner's friends! What was happening? Then I remembered the fearful thing that happened the week before:
   It was a normal day, we were all playing. But then a stranger came, and picked up my sister.  We were all confused and scared.  We wanted them to put her down so she could play!  After a long time, the strangers talked with my owner and took Mimi, my sister away. She still hasn't come back. 
    I knew Mimi didn't look scared, but I wanted to stay here, with my siblings, mom and owner.  I shook as I was held in the stranger's hand. They pet me and stroked me, and I let out another whimper. They laughed at my tiny squeak, and continued talking with my owner. Then my owner left the room, and I shook more.  I didn't want to be left here with a stranger, I knew that for sure!  Soon my owner came back with a packet, which she handed to my owner.  Then the stranger took me outside, and I felt relieved, because now I realized why the stranger was here- just to take me on a walk! Of course, that made sense.  The stranger didn't put me down, though, and he/she walked over to a car. I got excited, because I like car rides. I was put in the car and the engine started. My owners, siblings, or mom didn't come, but I knew that would happen because I was special and got to have my own attention. I held my head high on the seat they put me on.  I got special attention, I knew, as the car drove away.




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Thank you Ebbs!! <3



WindClan Apprentice

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Posts: 2869
Date:

Okay, thanks, I'll definitely remember that for next time, because I shouldve reread it first and forgot, and i have a habit of run-ons, and I know descriptive words but forget to use them, so I'll write that down so remember it while writing the next chapters. Thanks! :D

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RiverClan Warrior

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It's so well written! Good job, Tabbystripe! I'm definietly looking forwards to Chapter one!

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07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.



WindClan Apprentice

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Posts: 2869
Date:

Thanks, Kestrelpaw! It'll be up, soon, I'm writing it right now on my compy's notepad program. ;)

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RiverClan Warrior

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Posts: 2635
Date:

That's great! I should probably be typing too... but I'm not. XD

__________________

07.08.13

okay, then.
unfortunately loving an idiot
who doesn't love me back.
but i'm not falling.
i just kind of...
am.

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