I clearly remember my childhood, though don't want to. It was painful, horrid, and scary. And I don't get scared easily. My mother and father were drug addicts. I stopped them; they went to rehab. When they came back, they were better, but also wondering why I was so scared they'd throw something at me or that they'd kick me out of the house. Eventually I got used to their caring ways. But I hated it. I was doing better before, now I realized.
I get my chocolate brown hair and eyes from my dad. My personality from my mom, and my talents... from me. When my parents when to rehab when I was six, the state placed me in a private school where I borded. I hated it there, too. Everyone looked at me with sympathetic looks. It was there were I grew my outer shell. I didn't need sympathy. I felt good knowing people cared, but also angry at the same time. Why should they feel sympathy for me? I don't have the worst life you could imagine.
Sure, my mom and dad had me when they were young. Sure, they were abusive and kind at the same time. Sure they had different names depending on what time it was. But I don't ahve it bad. At least I have parents. I have a great life. Well, okay. I'm not popular, but who needs popularity? A demon, maybe? I just needed friends. But everyone, when I come into school, would laugh at me. So I shut out the world. I shut out everyone but my mothrr and father.
Then I went back to public school, and everything changed. People were kind and mean there. It seemed like my life before my parents caring ways. And I felt out of place and at home at the same time. I loved being with people who hated me. Then I knew who to shut out. But those kind people. Ugh. I hated it. They didn't know me. How I felt. But then again, there was Nathan. He considered his life not interesting as mine.
That made me laugh.
I admit, when I first talked to him, I was... mean. Okay. I was ticked. I just had nothing better to do. But I guess things got better.
"Raven-boy!" I called. Then I burst into laughter as I saw what his expression was as he thought. "Sorry!" I gasped. Calming myself, I asked, "Raven-boy, what were you thinking about?"
"Why is it everyone insists on calling me Raven? It was the same way back in elementary school," he said to me, walking over very slowly. I was still laughing on the inside. He sighed heavily and looked me straight in the eyes. As he looked me in teh eyes, I saw him slightly shake his head. That made me laugh even harder mentally. "If you really must know what i was thinking, it is my career choices. I want to be an actor when I grow up."
Then he smiled proudly.
"You're lucky you have a dream. And I'm Lilan. Not Lilian. Nice to meet you," I said with a smile. My eyes, as usual were half-closed. I had never met this boy--ever--and he was telling me what his dream was. Odd, no? "I take care of my parents." I leaned back and heavily sighed. "So, you are?" I asked, smiling and laughing at his insisting that his name isn't Raven. "Oh, and I added boy to the end of Raven. Feel lucky. I would've called you, 'you'." I then smiled somewhat and shrugged.
Nathan rolled his eyes at me. That really erked me. "Well Lilian, I'm Nathan. But anyone who find out what my name is stll usually calls me Raven or Nate..." He frowed as he looked at me. Why? How should I know? I'm not a mind-reader. "Are you alright? You don't look so good, need me to help you find a place to sit down?" His voice was a little worrided. Why should you be worried about me, I thought. If you knew me, then you would've stopped at your name. "Have you eaten yet? That might be something to do to keep yourself from falling asleep and falling flat on your face."
"Lilan. Not Lilian. It erks me just like Raven erks you. And I'm fine, no worries. I'm like this a lot. I gues you don't see me. I usually skip lunch...," I said, lightly shrugging. I gave a lazy smile and said in a calm tone, "So anyways, Nathan, how's your life like? I mean, I live in a one story shak-like house with a small kitchen and two bedroms, one bathroom. I have to work to support my family. You?" I stood and tightly gripped the stair-way railing. I then lifted my shoulders and let them drop in a very whatever shrug.
Nathan shrugged and said in a whatever tone, "My life is probably not as interesting as yours. I live with my dad cause my mom ran off with some guy when I was little. I live in a single wide mobile home. My dad works at the factory at the end of town. I guess my life isn't as hard as yours" He shrugged once more. Nathan stuck out a hand for me to grip, I guessed. "Honestly you should let other people help you. You don't look good at all." I couldn't tell why he told me that and why he looked worried for me.
Ugh. Worried. Concerned. Caring. All of those mushy-gushy feeling-things--words--made me all ticked.
"Mine isn't interesting... And I oddly feel comfortable talking to you about this." And I smiled. Smiled. That's big for me. An actual smile. I then gripped his hand and added to my previous statement, "Well, you see, I'm not always like this. But I need to go grocery shopping after school, go to work, and then do homework." I then shrugged and had to say something, because I knew he'd go against my pervious comment. "Maybe I'm sick. But I don't want to be a drop-out. That's what my parents were, Nathan." I then sighed and looked at him straight in the eyes.
He was like an older brother. That's why I felt so comfortable talking to him.
Nathan smiled a bit to me. "My dad is probably going to stay late tonight again. Want me to help you with your groceries?" He looked sorry for me. That erked me, yet again. But still; he was being kind. So I decided to be kind back. "Come on, I can find you a place to sit down so you can relax before school starts." His smile made me happy. Like if he were my brother, and I were sad.
Ugh. Sad. all these words! They were... confusing. But i kept up the act. Which, happens to turn into true happiness. Oh joy.
"If you could, thank you so much, Nathan!" I said happily. Happy. There it is. Again. There was a musical tone to my voice now. I was actually, for once in my life, truly absolutely...Happy. "I... don't know. I'm about to go to Band and I play percussion. You don't really sit down." I waved my drum sticks in my free hand, and grinned widely. "But thanks." I felt that connection; like between a brother and sister.
Nathan smiled widely at me. Smiling at me. How rare! Nathan looked... Happy. Content. "Okay then Lilan. Where should i meet you to go shopping. Out front of school or the bike rack?" He smiled angelically at me. "Is there any thing else you would like while we are out? I have a few dollars myself and planned on going to the bookstore. That is... if you would like a book. It is sort of like a gift," he asked me, smiling again.
"Bike rack, please," I said happily in a high voice. And then I looked at him, startled by his question. "I've always wanted to read the book Lord of the Rings." I then looked at the doors. "I think I should get to the Band room. It takes awhile to get there... You know? Oh, and are you going to the dance? If you are, I guess I'll go." I smiled and turned towards the doors.
Nathan smiled at me... Again. Lots of smiling. "Okay we shall meet at the bike rack." For a second, he looked troubled, then happy again. "I am going to the dance, would you like to go togehter? As friends, not boyfriend girlfriend, " he told me casually. I was startled. Wouldn't you be?
"Yep! And sure. I'm definietly not ready for a boy friend anyways," I said, smiling widely. It hurt my face to smile so much. I then stepped up the stairs and released Nathan's hand. "I have Band. I'll see you later... 'kay?" Then I ran up the stairs and opened the doors, hesitating, thinking that this was all a dream and that soon I would wake up. Sighing, I ran to the Band room, my Vans falling off several times.
This would be the oddest, most weird... okay. This would be the most chill day--ever.
Extras - These are little things that don't make an appearance in the RP, but do in my mind. They're sometimes short, sometimes long.
The Dream
I was standing in front of his house, all my bad memories returning. When he left, when he came back, and when he died. It hit me. I screamed in terror. The shot, the metallic smell of blood. It all hit me. And it became the largest burden on my shoulders. I cringed, and screamed in pain. I looked at my chest, and saw my blood; running down my chest and soaking my clothes.
He looked at me with a pained look. "I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier," he whispered, coming to me and hugging me. The pain in my chest became worse. He hadn't told me earlier.He hadn't told me the trouble his family was in. He hadn't told me about the drugs; about the painful survival.
If he did, he could've lived with my family and I; he could've met my brother-like figure, Nathan. He could've been happy. He could've been alive and still been one of my best friends. He could've been my brother.
But he died. And now he's gone. Forever. And I won't ever see him again. Ever. And he knows. But this was all a dream, right? I hadn't died. I hadn't gone to heaven. I would've gone down there. And I wouldn't been having this dream. It'd be all white.
Lilan sat up quickly, her breathing ragged. She held her hand on her chest and felt no blood, only sweat. She wiped her forehead and sighed. "I can't believe I had a dream about him. I... I...," she stuttered. She broke out crying on the ground.
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07.08.13
okay, then. unfortunately loving an idiot who doesn't love me back. but i'm not falling. i just kind of... am. .
