Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

My mum says I could be a book critique. xD I digress. It's no problem, Moony! My family went out for lunch without me, so I have nothing to do. *mad* Hahahaha. Anyways, it was my pleasure. As always, though, you did very well.

As you said was encouraged, I have decided to critique your story by paragraph, pointing out the do's and dont's of each. And rebember, to all of you who may read my comments, I do not mean to hurt anyones feelings or have anyone get mad. I was just bored and decided to dicect moonys story peice by peice. These are my own opions, remember that.

Paragraph 1: Great detail, but heres the thing: to much detail. I think it is great to describe the things you are describing in this story, bu you want them to be slightly more hidden in the text so that people on't get bored over you talking about hair and eyes. So great descriptions, But I think you should just tone it down a tiny bit.

Another thing about your first paragraph, The running water thing was great to put in but It seemed that you put it in forcefully, like you wanted it in there so thats where you decided to kram it in. I personally think that with your amazing talent for words, you can use that power to beautifly and unnnoticably transition into this beautiful sentence.

Paragraph 2: I feel this paragraph has a sort of, edgar allan poe feel to it, does it not? Repeating the words such as 'slowly, ever so slowly'. was great and as edgar allan poes main purpose of the stories I have read from him involve going mad. So what I'm getting from this paragraph is she may be slightly on the fringe of going mad. bu that is just my opinion. and yes, the edgar allan poe feel you have in this case is a 'do' if you will.

though so far in my reading I like this paragraph best, I can find a flaw in almost anything if I am willing to share it, so the part that I do not like it when she is up againt the tree and the sentence 'it peirced her skin, and she finched from the pain' somehow annoys me. I believe its because its just like to sentences thrust together with no real purpose. again, use your talents to elaborate and give this sentence a better feel. Though I am not one to tell you how to write.

Paragraph 3: I don't know what it is about this paragraph, though I feel in its begining there is less decription. I gues its just there are a bunch of sentences thrown together that in my opinion are relativily random. yet again, I think that you should have maybe used a one or two word cunningly disquised transition to some of the more randomly thrown in there sentences.

I do like how you end this paragraph with a surprise though, FINALY a little tension in this story, and it didnt come a sentence to soon. great placement, but even though I enjoy this confusion and tension I think you could have writen the sentence better, please correct me if I am wrong. this IS my opinion after all.

Paragraph 4: okay, when you said she collapsed to the groud, defeated, without a purpose. Yet again I feel words were thrown together without much thought. I cannot tell you how to write, but I feel this sentence would have been better serves as 'she collapsed to the ground, finally defeated. She no longer held a purpose in this world so why keep her life going on as a life of only pain and misory?' Only in your own wods of course, I only wrote this in a moment, (haha flashback) think of what you could write IN TEN MOMENTS!! haha. But anyways, back to my review. Good paragraph, not my favorite because I find it hard to understand.

I do think it was weird that so quickly she decided to throw herself in the river then seconds later it seems, without much thought she climbs out. I think you could have increased tension, not by decribing more, I think there is enough as is, but I think you could have just made her descision a tad longer, as she relizes she must come out soon or it may be to late.

OVERALL: I think this story was okay, very dramatic which is good sometimes. But IN MY OPINION i think your could tone down the drama and description, but other wise, three out of five stars. good job!