Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

Souki · Rogue

[ CRITIQUE!! ] can i get some, myself? c:

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

[ CRITIQUE!! ] if you'd like some opinions on works of fiction P:

Souki · Rogue

@scorchheart;

first impression.

USE PARAGRAPHS / LINE BREAKS. right now it's just one huge wall of text and it discourages people from reading it. i know i wouldn't.
excessive ellipses (periods) are really obnoxious and enough to make me beat something into a bloody pulp. the rule is that you only need THREE if you plan to use them (not an army like yours), and then tag on your ., ?, or ! of choice at the end. (like, "Oh my god.... That's disgusting...!")
USE OF PUNCTUATION IN GENERAL. let's not be specific and be general: proper use of punctuation is extremely important to making things look pretty and not have people instantly move to click the "back" or "close window" button. no matter how good your writing / story / plot / whatever is, if it's all grouped together in bunches like that, no one will read it. my suggestion is to study books and see how they use their punctuation; generally, if a lot of published books use it, it's good to go and won't blind the reader. i mean, can you imagine a whole book made of a wall of text?
spelling. type it up on word or use a spell check--IT IS YOUR FRIEND.
first person is sometimes frowned upon on since, in cases like yours, people tend to lapse into a casual tone when they write it. while some people can pull it off, other times, like yours, it'll go off into a nonsensical, rambling route because that's how you're thinking when you write it. sometimes, the use of slang can make the reader feel more connected to the story but i really recommend that you don't try until you can get the above recommendations down pat.

chapter one.

"finished like 20 class" don't ever use "like" or other slang words in narrative context. (not sure of the proper technical term for it, but things outside of dialog, or things outside of quotations.)
"I had had my first lunch detention ever, finished like 20 class assighnements, and I had five tests for homework." it's not parallel. it doesn't flow because of the bolded parts. the second bolded part throws things out of sync because of of the fact that you've already used "I had". when you write lists like this, think of like this: "I had: (and you don't even need the second had here) my first lunch detention ever (1). I had: finished twenty class assignments. (2). I had: I had five tests for homework." see how awkward the second i has is? use the method to test out your other elongated lists.
"hall-way". you don't need the dash. it's just one word: hallway.
"I had been in my seventh hour computer class, the last class of the day. Also, Mrs. Valancia is a nice teacher, but she is strict with her students to keep them in line. She's not too mean or too nice. " lolwut. you completely just went from where you were to your teacher. KEEP ON TRACK. if you're going to introduce your teacher, use a new paragraph (see how wonderful paragraphs are? you get to go off topic and no one will bite your head off for it.)
"blurr" blur has one r. like i said, SPELL CHECK. that'll solve the majority of your spelling errors. for what few doesn't work out, HI THERE GOOGLE.
"a Bright red" why is "bright" capitalized? remember? as a rule, only proper nouns and the beginning of sentences are capitalized.
"back-pack, and a dark red lunch-box" again, backpack is one word and lunch box is two.
"haz been! :P" -smashes face against brick- no. no, no, no. you can pull off slang, but NEVER EVER USE INTERNET MEMES AND SMILIES IN A WORK OF FICTION. ever. trust me on this. your english teacher will have your head.
OVERALL: it strikes me as a very pointless chapter. full of random blabbering about your day that really has nothing of substance to make me want to read your second chapter. now, if everything that had happened had something to do with the plot later on, then alright, but i don't think that's the case here.

chapter two.

"blanketzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....." -more head bashing- again, don't mess with the spelling, even in dialog. if you want to expand on just how much of a 'z' sound your 's' sounds like, do it afterwards, out of the dialog.
"in a flushed state" ....what. the. heck? remember, the best way to learn words is to read them in books to see how they work; you can't just beat up the thesaurus and pick up the words that fell out of it and jam it into your story.
"I blurrily" again, what? just, no.
"with coniferouse and deciduouse trees" like before, no. it just messes with the flow of your story. 'coniferous' and 'deciduous' trees are rather scientific terms and clashes with the rest of your story. it just makes you sound like you're trying to be smart.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" and "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurry!" even if you're trying to emphasize exactly how long the duration of your cries of despair were, there's still no need to spam the reader with excessive vowels. just as with the ellipses, it'll just annoy the reader.
"I muttered. I figured that I was also in a forest some where in this weird world, so, since I got bored," this clashes again with your extreme reaction before hand (your extremely emphasized "NOOOO!!!"). perhaps add a transition that describes how you calmed enough to be bored down after going "OMGWTCBBQSAUCE!!!11!!!" not moments before.
"The forest also had some veryeasily aggitated squerrels who thought they owned the place, and they had their silly little squerrel brigade chasing me for two hours before they got bored and called it a night." awkward sentence and very abrupt introduction to the 'action', which ends just as quickly and randomly
"where I Heard the voice" again, random capitalization. no fun.
""Big mistake pig mouth!"I retorted. and, since he had insisted on being such a brat" ............................... i have no comment on this it's just so.... ugh. actually yes i do have a comment. where does the brat part come from? he was just being hostile--it is, in fact, you who is being a brat. he's mean, sure, but not a brat.
"cried as I kicked him squarley in the chest, which sent him into a bramble bush." i honestly... really? action is nice and all, but you're seriously bipolar. you were just being chased by SQUIRRELS moments before and now you're going all macho-man on a " tall musculer" whose "pelt was covered withe rank stench of blood,". it just really makes no sense. makes it sound like you're on some questionable substance that messes with your perception and has your mood swings changing faster than the channels on tv when a baby has the remote control.
"his face looked like a rather irritated dog had tried to maul him and had been killed by this nutty dude" one word: WHAT? i can't even bring myself to say anything about this metaphor. not only is it random and ew, but it's vague. "this nutty dude". alright, then. :I
"(he,he,he,he,he.....)" ....again, this is kind of like an author's note RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE, so, very much a no-no.
"I accidentally bit" i really don't think it was an accident considering your (attempt at an?) evil laugh earlier.
"because he had me in a head-lock." again with your abrupt, choppy transition. it went from him digging his claws into your shoulder to you being in a headlock.
"He flung me into a tree 17 times and I wouldn't budge,but that was only because my fangs were stuck in his fur." ....while detail is fine, to be honest an exact number is just... it makes you sound like you're exaggerating and trying to make things out to be a lot worse than they really are. and that "but that was only" suggests that your endeavors were only because your teeth were stuck and not because you managed to cling on, so it makes everything really awkward and the impression you're trying to give switches a lot.
"I finally came loose when he decided to untangle my sharp, bloody-white colored teeth out of the wet patches of Silver-Grey fur on his tail. Then I escaped another "flinging into the trees" by running as fast as I could to get away from the nutty furry. But that was only the beginning of my many battles to come." again, choppy transition.
OVERALL: somewhat better chapter this time, but it had a really badly done fight scene :I it gives the impression that you're trying too hard. (at many things)

chapter three. (ahhh i'm running out of steam OTL)

your title is very.... what. random capitalization and bad spelling give off a very bad first impression, but they've already gotten this far....
WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY IN THIRD PERSON? THIS IS A VERY VERY BAD THING TO DO. the first two chapters were in first person; you either stick to it or you do everything in the same perspective, alright? even if everything else before didn't have me smashing my face in, this would.
"she(I)" again, STICK TO YOUR INITIAL PERSPECTIVE.
"daily strole around" i don't think it's a stroll if he's being carried around in a carriage.... -___-;
"People avoided him and bowed deeply" ...what? i don't even... how... just.... you can't avoid someone and bow to them at the same time. i get your point, but..... ick >_>
"As the people and knights buissied themselves, he saw a foot sticking out of the tree I was in. As I slept, I" WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY ARE YOU IN FIRST PERSON AGAIN. NOT EVEN AFTER A CHAPTER BREAK, IT'S JUST RANDOMLY AND ABRUPTLY AND JUST. NO. NO. NO.
"As I slept, I could hear the stomping" you know when you sleep you usually can't register what you've heard until you've, you know, WOKEN UP.
"in my skinny green jeans and skinny brown t-shirt" uh-huh NO. this is really late for a description for what you're wearing, and more than that you just crammed it in there. there's no prelude, you just suddenly went "oh i think i'll describe what she's/i'm wearing!!!". it's not even in comparison as to what they wear and.... ick :I
"did the classical thing-we both screamed at each other at the same exact time!" that's not classical. how is that classical? and why would he scream if he's up there because of your foot? because i'm guessing that's the reason he's up there--why else would a prince climb the tree? and that sentence doesn't need an exclamation point.
"Every body was" everybody is one word.
"The prince hopped onto one of the royal gaurd horses and I was on the run like some crazy banshee." those two things are completely unrelated and should be two separate sentences, if not separate paragraphs altogether. by the way, a banshee is known for howling / screaming, not anything running related.
"didn't see a wall in front of me- wich was really stupid- an crashed into it!" yeah you don't need the exclamation point.
"quickly woke up" i wasn't aware you fell asleep.
"did the one thing possible, I shouted"WHOA!Dude,chill out!"" ....what the heck? that's not even... what? how? that is most definitely NOT the ONE thing possible. if you mean the only thing that you could think of, then say so. there's a plethora of other things you could do, and therefore that sentence is just.... u__u
"Didn't they speak plain english?" that's a pretty stupid reaction. it's rather obvious that their reaction would probably be due to the fact that you yelled at the royal guards and the prince and they didn't promptly beat you into a bloody pulp. from what i hear, almost all royalty and their servants take badly to being disrespected, especially in public.
"(WOOT!LIMO!)" another author's note that shouldn't be there. awkward, breaks up flow, and in general just.... no.
in general for the next part: what kind of mentally challenged guards puts their prisoner in the same carriage as their prince? really? would the secret service put some strange person disrupting the peace in the same limo as the president? and let the person talk to him casually? really?
"The weirdo prince kept eyeing me" another rather stupid reaction.
"Or is it that you wanna send me to da' dungeon? Trust me dude, I know how to fight lots better than those fony ballony knights of yours."" this screams mary-sue. superiority over everyone else immediately is disgusting and looked down upon by anyone with half a brain, especially since you were just another normal student before this happened--which, from the lack of time description, i assume to be less than a day ago, maximum.
"No not at all...... will you be my first lady?"he said with those weird and crazy lovy-dovy eyes."" HI THERE MARY-SUE. not only can you trump the prince's superior guards after a life of being bored and doing homework, the prince also magically falls in love with you. while that's fine and dandy, HE ALSO JUST SPONTANEOUSLY PROPOSES TO YOU. after completely disregarding your blatant disrespect.
"this time spreading...WINGS?!" you're in a carriage. where would you find room to spread wings, hmm, boy?
"DRAGON WOLF" please imagine for a second, in your mind's eye, a DRAGON mating with a WOLF. not a pretty image, hmm?
"I decided he was a weirdo" you've already decided this back when you've been calling him the wierdo prince.
"so I asked to leave. He thought I only did that cause" and not only is he a weirdo prince, he's also mentally unfit to rule. what kind of prince lets a prospective bride-to-be leave? just like that?
"news-paper on my bed" newspaper is one word. also no one delivers newspapers to one's bed, especially not in an inn. by the way. since everyone's using metal armor and carriages, as far as i know, they didn't have the liberty of giving every guest in an inn a newspaper in those times.
"."GIRL TO BE MARRIED TO THE PRINCE?! BETROTHED AND ENGAGED?! OH NO HE DIDN"T! HE DID NOT!"" ......... actually he kinda has the right. maybe he's not so half-witted after all. being a prince kind of gives you, you know, absolute power over all the common people.
"I went out of the old musty inn wearing a beautifully woven silky purple and green cloak that the inn keeper had so kindly loaned me." i think you should name the land "the land of the furries that lack common sense". if the innkeeper can afford a beautifully woven silk purple and green cloak, WHY IS HIS INN MUSTY? and why would he lend it to some random freak in freakish clothes who just stopped for the night. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
"I trecked throught the forest" i think you're doing more than just borrowing that beautiful cloak now.
"He had a chill of ambition as well as Dakrke magic" again with your spazzing transition. up until now there was no magic. and since when did his weirdo love-at-first-sight turn into a "chill of ambition"? and how is it a chill of ambition if he's into marrying some freakishly dressed furry who just randomly appeared?
"but I thought that was just greed" if you think it's just greed then why do you bring up dakrke (what is that even pronounceable?) magic?
"to an old village with many people." then the 'old' adjective is stupid and out of place.
"people stared at my beautifull silk clothing as it shimmers in the rays that immited from the sun" all the more reason for WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD WOULD THE INNKEEPER OF A MUSTY INN LEND IT TO YOU?
"I had never felt so alone" .... this is disgusting. why? how? you just instantly jumped from "ongz everyone's staring at my beautiful stolen cloak!!!11" to "sob i'm all alone why does no one love me never mind that i just ran away from a prince who wanted to marry me sob"
"I explored the town and the shops, carefully looking into each persons eyes. As sunset drew near a golden wolf furry cupped his hand over my mouth and dragged me into an alley way."Hi there. Gimme yer' money and you won't get hurt."He said with a smirk." okay so there's a lot wrong with this bit. a lot. "YEAH I HAVE THE TIME TO STARE INTO EVERYONE'S EYES AND THEY WON'T FIND THIS PRYING STRANGE AT ALL." and then there's this random furry (ANOTHER WOLF ONE GASP. are there no other types of furries?) who comes and robs you. okay. well then. talk about random.
OVERALL: almost as pointless as the past two chapters, but not boring. oh, no! there's plenty of lullz to keep things alive. the flow is as bad as ever, and there's lots of impossibility going around. i recommend you just read a little bit into the time period to keep things as accurate as possible or explain the setting a little bit more to keep the reader from assuming that it's exactly like medieval times.

also if this is tl;dr bad things will happen. OTL

i ran out of steam / got tired around after the second chapter so if things go downhill from there... yeah sorry OTL

out of curiosity (you don't need to answer), how old are you? i just like to know the age of the writer of the works i critique :S

-- Edited by Souki on Sunday 21st of February 2010 07:12:07 AM

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

ehehe...I'm 13. I kinda aidentaly mied the flow up with my oerreatie immagination, and alot of magi stuff I remembered from books. Other than that, my story wasn't really meant to be seriouse, just meant to be immposible and a little funny. Although you do make alot of fine pionts. What was I thinking?! LOL! First getting hased by squerrels, then(yes, my grammer and spelling suks. plus, the see-letter-button on my key board no longer works)then ating all moho and going nuts on this wolfeh?! OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING?! By the way, I felt lonley in that other part mainly beause people only stared at me. They didn't seem to go near me at all. No, this story isn't true. And-OMG! I SUK AT WRITING STORIES! My only suksesfull and on topi one was like written when I was 11. Oh great, now my stupid enter key won't work.......O.O........I wrote this like last year, 2009. Now here's the other two or howeermany hapters.
chapter 4: Escaping into another trap

I had made it out of the town or village, whatever that place was, and was free of the whimpy and really weird prince. The good news was I wasn't getting married. The bad news was that every body noticed that I had left the town. They searched for me and found no trace. Neither did the prince, who was in a bad mood. He had let his bride to be escape-his one chance of becoming the ruler of this wreched town. Dark clouds were over the kingdom as he stared out his window. He,Silas, had let the face he'd been hoping to look at forever when he ruled this wreched place escape his clutches! He went over to the gate keeper as rain drizzled out of the thickley dark clouds that surrounded them."Did you or the last gate-keeper on duty let a younge girl walk out of this gate at any time?!"He thundered as lightning struck the sky. His fur bristled as traces of his darke magic flowed through him, sending charges of static electricity through his body. His beautiful blue and purple silk cloak clung to him like a shimmering soaked star. His black pelt was soaked to the brim with rain. "y-yes sir, at exactley 5:30am this morning." stammered the shivering antelope knight gate keeper furry as he shivered in his rusting armor."What was the person wearing when you let them out?!"Silas said with less rage.The muddy earth below shimmered and dampened as the static electricity he was giving off coursed through his boots. The wooden gate with iron hinges clanked and creaked feebly as the rain rusted the iron hinges,wich became more unstable to the giant wooden door. "A Green and purple silk cloak yer' magesty, and she w-was wearing black pants with a b-black shirt, baggypants, and a skinny shirt with baggy sleeves sir." The gate keeper replied.Silas stiffined. He saw movement in the forest path ahead of the gate, the dampened soil of the road showing like a dark brown river of mud. A furry was coming, with a bundle of rags. He came up to them, tartiley sighing as he dropped the bag in front of the prince.The job he'd been requested to do had been easy. Just catch the escapy, bag im' an' bring im' back. "Came wit yer' request sire."he snorted. He had the statraturer of a strong wolf furry, his massive muscles bulging. But he knew he was no match fer' prince Silas, with his dumb spells.Out of the bag tumbled a Dragon furry, his wings firmly tied to his hind legs."I've got a request for you to fill out."Silas snarled at the the dragon furry. "If you complete it, your crimes shall be pardoned and you will be set fre. But should you fail... you will be fed to the dogs. Understood?"The dragon furry nodded. The rain had betun to soak his golden black pelt. "I want you to retrieve a runaway."Silas said as he gave the Escape a picture of her. The prince provided him with a horse, food, and money."Now go and get her!"he cried as the dragon furry set off. His steed was a black one with Darke magic flowing from its pelt. He rode off, knowing that Silas would kill him if he didn't find her. The sky had began to fade to black and was a beautiful golden red by the time he reached the next town. It was full of people who were bustling at night. Then he saw a strange girl being hastled by a Golden pelted Cat tom furry who had her up agianst a wall. He tethered his black stallion to a post at an inn and ran over, a switchblade in his hand. people took no notice as he attacked the furry, at least not untell they saw him flash out a blade. They now noticed the strange girl being hastled too. "No! I don't have any money and if I did I wouldn't give it to a jerk like you!"I yelled as the Golden furry had me leaned up against a wall in an alley way. "Aww, come on, don't be so harsh."he said, drawing out his black claws that had the stench of blood on them.I tried to move, but he had me pinned against the wall, his strength out matching mine.This guy was crazy! I was not going to give him any money, and I was not gonna be a damsel in distress.Then I saw a weird dragon furry with a golden-black pelt come at the other furry. He charged through, his switch blade knife ripping flesh as it tore at the creep's arm. The guy was being carried away by two hyena furry knights that were happy to get him off to the dungeon. The villagers went back to their buissness, paying no mind to what had happened."Thanks, I would have been mugged hadn't it been for you."I said, smiling at my savior. Then he grasped my arm and pulled me into a near by tavern. He sat us down at a table and ordered a whiskey. I told him I was 100% sober, and ordered a root Beer. Soda does me better than the smell of whiskey ever did. I sat there and we talked a bit. He was drunk, and he told me a lot of things. I gasped at the last thing I heard before he became unconciouse from drinking so much whiskey."And this guy? You know, Silas? He asked me to find this run away, her name was ......Scorchpaw.Pretty stupid huh?he,he told me to find her so I could not have to go back to the dungeon..haha....stupid prince...I'm 18 years old...da...da...da,da,da,da,da......"And then he just fell asleep, tired and drunk.Dude,You don't just get drunk and say"hi, I have to kidnap you"and then doze off like it was nothing. I carried the drunk dummy to the inn that was accross from the tavern. I had made sure that we had seperate rooms, but that crazy manager had other ideas. "here's yer' room!he happily called."See you two in the mornin'!" and then he left me in a room with a two person bed, a desk and a couple of chairs with a table. Was this guy nuts?! "Dude, this is crazy..."I bleerily mumbled as I placed the dragon furry on the bed, then I took a blanket and rested on the floor, with a pillow of course. My captor woke up and was back to attention. What was he doing here?! Where did the girl go?! He thought, finding it strange for him to be in Paul and Ann's inn. He had been in the tavern when he last saw the furry. He looked around and found her on the floor. She was snug and asleep, not stirring or snoring like other guests did. He looked at her, and she seemed familiar. A emralt green and purple sash with a cloak of the same colors...black pants and a black shirt...he fished a picture out of his pocket that Silas had given to him when he had set off. It was a picture of her! Her age was down at the dog-eared left hand corner of the parchment. She was only 13 years old?! When he looked at her, she looked like she was 16! He lay back on the bed, too tired for a ride back to the palace. What was he supposed to do? He hadn't expected it to be this easy!(Neither did I at the moment)How could she just walk into his paws like that?! How could it be so easy?!

Chapter 5: A bad morning, and a suspiciouse start.

The dragon furrywoke up the next morning, to find himself in a bed at the inn. He tried to remember what happened. "Right... the run away..." he muttered as what had happened last night flashed back into his mind. He had saved this girl who was getting mugged, got drunk-wierdo- and had found him self in the same room as the girl he'd saved who happened to be the one that had a bounty on her head. He looked around the dull ,damp , and musty room to find no one else there...Where was she?! Silas's words rang in his ears: "Should you fail.... I'll have you fed to the dogs! Understand?!" the sneering face of Silas seemed to be frozen in hi mind. How was he supposed to find her or pay for the rent?! He had very little money-curtousey of Silas- and very little to trade. He went to the dank window and brushed off the dust with his grubby paws and looed out side. It was the crack of dawn, the magic hour. Then he heard a breif and soft knocking ont the door."Come in..."He said rather shakily. And as he said it, the run away entered the room with a bag full of food and supplies. "Hi. Nice to see you awake."I said with a smile. He may have been older, and totaly unsober-I do not aprove-but I wanted to help this wierdo. After all, I owed him one. "Say, could you help me fix breakfast? You look thin, and next time, don't drink so much whine."I said to him as he stared at me with a confuzzled look on his face. He went over and picked out what I had bought as what he thought was a good breakfast. He had a worried feeling in his deep blue eyes. "Are you worried about the rent? Dude, I already payed the manager. I requested for separate rooms, but he didn't have the same idea." I said, rather un- old fashioned like since I wasn't from this place of crazy and phony baloney knights."Oh, by the way, my name..er' nickname, is Scorchpaw."I extended a hand for him to shake. He shook it like a timid rabbit."What's the matter?Dude, you can tell me, and don't hold back, cause I'll find out sooner or later."I said rather tartly. What was with this guy?He looked like a kitten could kill him if it purred. The he turned around and accidentaly tripped over the table-Dude, are ya' still drunk?!- and fell flat on his face.-face plant!-I immediatley helped him up, only to find his face covered in splinters."you have to watch what your doin' or you face is gonna look like ripped up hamburger."I said to him as I lay him on the bed and got out a first aid kit which I had conventionality kept with me. I gently took the splinters out of his face with a pair of tweezers and while he was silently screaming-his face was red- I washed the blood off of his face. He looked rather, well... he looked neater when I had finished patching him up. He looked at me with those deep blue eyes, as if he might hug me-do NOT pop my personal space bubble dude- and ended up doing it anyways. He was sobbing on my shoulder- no I've got cooties!- and it was almost as if he were a small frightened child. He looked strong and looked like he'd never cry-SO doesn't suit you dude- and yet his eyes told another story."Whao, it's okay, don't cry....it just doesn't seem to suit you..."I said, seeing his wings spread out."Don't even--"Too late. He folded them over us and we were pitched into a black abyss. His eyes seemed to glow withe emotion. He unwrapped his wings and turned away from me, hs face crimson with sincere embarrassment. We left the inn, paying for the service twice-donno why- and he saddled up onto his horse, asking me to come with him. Suspicion rose in me as I saw where he was headed-back to the Wolf Furry prince's palace. What was going on?

Chapter 6: Dull and wrong, Glittering and strong.

I had rather easily parted seperate ways with the rather troublesome dragon furry who watched my every move.The inn keepers were happy to see us off that morning, their shining faces brimming with -aren't-they-a-cute-couple-? looks as I walked away. The dragon furry had a horse, which I wasn't very jealouse of considering you got saddle sores from riding them. It seemed that every body was talking about how I looked like royalty, and that I glittered. I just ignored them untell one guy got smart with me. Boy, he was just dull and wrong, any body was if they ticked me off. He said"She might look all perty, but she's really just a whimp." My fur bristled as I turned to glare at the furry who had ever so bluntley stated that. He was a brown and black bison furry who looked like he could kill with a stare-atleast to the towns folk anyways."What did you say, hill billy?!" I sparked rather tentativeley. He was not gonna get away with saying that. You don't just walk up and say"Hi whimp" and not expect the person to beat you to the ground, wich is exactley what happened. He threw a couple of punches at me, hitting me twice. People gasped expecting me to cry and surrender. But as in all fairy tails, I was stupid enought to get back up. He threw another punch at me, but I grabbed his fist and started crushing it. Apparentley, this guy was the law breaker who got away with stuff cause he was strong. Not around me.I punched him in the stumach, and he rocked on the ground in pai. But then, he pulled out a pistole, and held it up to my face. The crowd gasped and several furry towns folk screamed, all of which were women. He shot at me. The bad news for him was that he didn't have any bullets. The good news for me was that I got to kick his butt. I slammed him on the ground with one swift blow to the face. He lay on the ground, panting, and two furry knights took him off and hauled him off to the dungeon. People cheered with glee, having the criminal of the town gone. I stood truimphantley as people called out the words"Glittering and Strong! Dull and Wrong! Glittering and strong! Dull and wrong!" I had proved that you should never judge a person by their looks. What I didn't know was that the dragon furry had been watching the whole time. And he was scared out of his wits.He knew it wouldn't have been that easy. Why had't she done that with the mugger though? Did he have a protective charme or something?And how was a 13 year old girl so strong?He thought over how to capture her. But the immage of her cruching the other furries hand had frozen still in his mind, and so was her expression.Like a Tiger that had found it's hut, and was killing it. Her hood fell off and he saw a stream of beautifull brown-light gold hair pour out. Then she slipped her hood back on and went back to the inn. Her face... It had been dark brown with light brown that trced from her muzzle to her neck, and she had black stripes along her neck and Black ears. No one else had that type of pelt. No one. He decided to go back to the inn and talk to her. He saw her tial sticking out of the entrance to it.Her tail had Black stripes and a huge amount of fur. It also had dark brown streaks on it. She turned around to see him staring at her. And boy, I was shocked to see that he had come back. I placed my gloves on the clerks counter, and my black paws showed in the sunlight. He seemed surprised to see my face. I removed my hood, only to find him even more shocked."Hi, I thought you had to leave? Or did you decide to travel with me?"I asked him in a sweet silky voice. He meerly took another glance at me and nodded a yes. I didn't care if the dummy was out to get me, cause I betted that the prince was holding something over him. "Say...you said a lot of things in the bar when you were drunk, and I know you're out to get me. But don't you think I can match that phony balony price?"I said, still smiling. He looked even more shocked like "I TOLD YOU THAT?!" in a sort of way. He looked ashamed of himself. And his eyes had a hurt look int them.
I gently put my arm around the confuzzled fuss ball and sighed,"Dude, you can stick with me. I will protect you, but that's only cuz you look like you couldn't fight off a little kitten with those paws of yours."I purred, hoping he would cheer up. He did, and he laughed,"haha! A kitten?! You kiddi' me?!" and he smiled for the first time since I had met him. We were unaware of a knight that belonged to Silas who was listening closely. He had heard what he thought he'd never hear. A rebbelion against the prince. He immediatley got on his steed and speed off, knowing his boss would wanna hear this. (Yes I know my hapter names suk and all that. I don't know why I kept writing this dumb story.... ;-;)

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Sunday 21st of February 2010 07:49:32 AM

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Sunday 21st of February 2010 07:51:37 AM

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Sunday 21st of February 2010 07:53:58 AM

Florestadream · RiverClan Warrior

once i finish a chapter of my fictional story, i'll definitely PM you it so you can critique it.!

Moonstar · RiverClan Leader

I have a story I tried working on last year, and this critique might help me because ever since I started writing poetry, my stories are like poetry... they're choppy and don't transition well, and I can't get enough meat on them and they don't stretch out long enough. I can't make them longer, because poetry is generally short and choppy. So this could really help. Not sure if I can take hard critique though... I'ms ort of fragile, but I kind of think it might be better if I did. I might post it later(:

Florestadream · RiverClan Warrior

fwee ~ i'm in the same boat as you, moonie. :P

Souki · Rogue

@scorchheart;

well, while i didn't expect you to suddenly get a lot better overnight, i don't think i want to critique it again if you're not going to follow at least my suggestion of breaking things up into paragraphs :S like i said, it's really hard to read and...

i mean, if you need help, feel free to ask me. it's what i set this up for P: is it just that you don't know where to put the breaks, or what...?

@florestapaw;

n___n alrighty~ i'm looking forward to it.

@moonstar;

i can't do poetry to save my life, haha ;___; i end up making it too much like a story and... it just gets really mucky >_>;

but alright n__n. i can give tips, i guess? c:

Moonstar · RiverClan Leader

Mkay, I think i'mma pm it to you :D Has some stuff that not exactly... erm, appropriate xD
And I KNOWW it's choppy and not long enough for so much action and stuff. It's only like ten pages and really important things have already happened and... it's just a mess xD I pm you now though. i just wish i could write stories but still keep my poetry style. i want to be able to do both.

Souki · Rogue

well, there ~are~ narrative poems. you can tell stories in poem form. like the odessey~ the original was a poem n___n ~