Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

RE: [ CRITIQUE!! ] if you'd like some opinions on works of fiction P:

Dragonstar · ShadowClan Leader

OH! And I totally agree with Ebonycloud. You are hilarious, Souki.

Souki · Rogue

D; i know. all the ",', and long dashes get eaten. but for some reason you can copy paste from something else and nothing will happen. maybe the forum has a grudge against word?

i just got over a fever and my brain's not functioning properly, so be aware that while something might make perfect sense to you all, i might go DURRR on it. >_>;

@dragonstar;

the first thing that strikes me as i read the first paragraph is how you keep the sentences simple. while sometimes that makes for more effective writing than sentences elongated with conjunctions, in this case, it gives me the impression of a choppy read.
your description is kind of all over the place? you jump between the two of them alternately, and i had to re-read that to get the gist of things.
the jump from chrome's action to the description of the ring strikes me as a choppy transition, and then it jumps from the ring back to chrome's actions.
"turned to leave" and "him leave" you used 'leave' too closely together. you can either combine the sentences and have something along the lines of "...the dragon turned to leave, avoiding all five pairs of Chrome's eyes."
"Four of Chromes heads watched Weapons Lord Wyrg as he explained how a war hammer could be stopped mid swing by a dagger while the fifth watched Zurgan glare at him and massage his broken jaw. One" hmm, the math adds up awkwardly here. while i know one of them turned over to stare at his friend, it might be better to have only three from the start focused on wyrg.
"Zurgan had flinched when he heard the thud and was now in pain." maybe put this closer to the actual thud?
"Chrome was able to watch both Zurgan and Wyrg at the same time." we already covered this, and again, it's kind of 'what?'. maybe you should change it to something about him noticing zurg's pain and then smiling.
"an all metal war hammer" ?? as in, on a completely metal war hammer, or on all war hammers in general?
"Hydra dragons and Regen Wyverns were disappearing quickly. Almost none existed of each. Most of the rare species had been found in holes in the ground. Eggs would be abandoned in these holes while the parents would fight. Chrome had been found in one of those holes. Any dragon who found the hole could claim all the eggs for their clan." maybe this should be a new paragraph because it has almost absolutely nothing to do with what the elders know / what caused the war.
you kind of gradually slide from chrome's classroom environment to the explanation of the war / history / lore. i'm not sure if this is a bad thing because you just seemed like you drifted off course, or if it's a good thing because it's a gradual change :/
maybe you should specify what the war is between? i kind of assumed later on that it was only between dragons since all the other species leave, but then you bring up the demon god and things get really confusing from there.
"through the air where he had been standing" typically you don't stand in air; perhaps "through the space he had been occupying"?
you cut rather abruptly from the classroom / school setting to the actual battle, and there's really no connection between them besides the setting. unless some of the students from the classroom setting are fighting, in which case you should make that clear.
the last sentence does well to convey the sense of how 'eternal' the war is ouo
OVERVIEW: over all it was pretty interesting although the plot was confusing and not very clear. despite the attempted explanation on the war i still was left with questions at the end. but the first one half of it was well written, if a little choppy. interesting setting / plot / characters in general n__n

Moonstar · RiverClan Leader

Ohh my gosh. I forgot to say how much I laughed at your critiques as well. I agree with everything that Ebbs said earlier. I just burst out laughing between lines xD I really admire your critiquing skills. Maybe I'll try for a more painful critique next time.

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! No, pleeeease! I'm so gonna die.....O.O
That's a good idea though.

er... here's part of my new story. Could you use the blunt hammer to the face crtique? This is only the beginning, so:

Warrior cats-the animals unlocked

Chapter 1

As I lay in bed, I felt nervous. My mother hadn't been to happy with my grades, and I just couldn't contemplate why I had failed so many classes. I am Scorchheart, and I'm not really the type who speaks out loud. The only place I seem to be able to say my thoughts is on the computer.

I decided to stop moping and log on to my profile on my favorite forum, the warrior cats forum. That's what I call it, since a lot of other forums are about warrior cats. When I first joined, I met a lot of people who were very friendly. They all were happy on the site, and helped each other out when they had problems.That made it the best forum I had ever joined, and it was also the first.

I snuck upstairs, to find my mother looking at some e-mails I had recieved from the forums. But when I saw a shocked look appear on her face as she read the last one, I was worried. Had they banned me for something?! Had I been frozen?! My fears became much worse when she hollered for me to get up there. "Honey, you have a special message from the...book discussion chat room."she said, allowing me to take a look at the e-mail. It had a link to the site, and my mother went to her room giggling. "Er.....uuuuhh.... okay, sure..."I said as I hopped into the computer chair which spun around, making me dizzy.

I logged on to my profile and found a message marked special. I checked it out. It said:
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU HAVE WON A FREE TRIP TO WASHINGTON DC! JUST TYPE YOUR NAME IN, AND THE PRESIDENT WILL HAVE EVERYTHING READY FOR YOUR ARRIVAL!

Something about the way the message had been sent just made me feel... like I was in danger. I didn't sign my name, and the message did not appear again. I PMed the others that were my friends on the forums that were close to me, and the first ones I had met, getting the feeling that the same thing had happened to them. When they told me it had, I told them to keep from answering other e-mails like that. They seemed to know my concerns as well.

As soon as I had closed that message, every one on the forums got one. Moonstar made a thread about it. "Plus, it didn't even have the white house's emblem!"I typed to them as they expressed their concerns on the matter. "Yeah, and how is it that every kid on the site won?"Katanapaw posted while others checked out what Moonstar had stated. Someone was after us. And they knew how to get to the web site.

Chapter 2:

After logging off of the computer and discussing the subject of the strange letters a bit more, I went out to get some fresh air. But as I stared into the gloomy gray sky, a strange roaring sound came out of no where, and it was getting closer. It sounded like the type of roar an engine would make. A car engine to be more precise. I looked across our front lard to see the mail truck stopping...and at MY house.

After the mail lady had given me a rather peculiar letter, I opened it to find that it had a message much like the last one I had gotten on the computer. It read:

Dear Scorchpaw,
You have been called by the president of the United States of America for a pres conference in California. Your age is of no concern. Please sign your name to this letter and send it back.
President Obama

After a brief silence I went in and showed the letter to my mom. She was not happy. "If you receive any more letters like this, we may have to put a restraining order on who ever sent this letter." she said with a stony tone. "Ask your friends on that website if they got the same letter in the mail." she added as I worried ly looked at the computer.

As soon as she had finished the last sentence, I had hopped onto the computer and was rapidly typing on the new thread that Moonstar had made. Apparently, everyone on the site had recieved a simular letter, telling them to go to different countries and states.

"But why would they do that?! Are we activated?! Are terrorists after us?!" I typed.
"You watched that one movie didn't you?" asked Katanapaw.
"Yeah, but stuff like that happens!" I retorted with randomly hard punches and pecks to the keyboard.
"Listen, if they can send letters and E-mails, they can come to where we live. The police have to know about this." Jaggedpine wisely quoted.
But how can everyone on the site-"
"DO NOT POST ON THIS TOPIC ANY LONGER. IF YOU DO, THE CONSEQUENCES SHALL BE DIRE. ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED FOR PROJECT ANIMALS UNLOCKED." someone interrupted me as I tried to post.
"How dare you! Stay off Moonstar's site!" I typed to the stupid person.
"How did you get on without an account?!" Firestar cried with many pecks to her keyboard.
"CONFIDENTIAL. STAY ON THE COMPUTER AND TYPE YOUR REAL NAMES ON A NEW THREAD."
"No! Log off! Now!"I posted as fast as possible. I immediately turned off my computer and unplugged it.

I had run to my room afterwords, tense and on edge. The person who had gotten onto this website had to be a hacker or something. How would we survive?! Like Jaggedpine had said, they could get to our house if they could send letters and messages. I told my mother the situation, and she tried to call the police. But when she picked up the phone, a disembodied voice rang out. " Your daughter has been activated for project Animals unlocked. Do not attempt to keep her from us. We will find her."

Chapter 3:

After the disturbing phone call, I got back on the forums, and sure enough, there was a new thread titled-HACKER DEFENSE, PROVIDE ALL PROTECTION PROGRAMS POSSIBLE!

By then I knew the idiotic hacker was out to get every one on the forums for whatever project, and they were going to do everything possible to get at them. I logged off and went to my room, hoping for some sleep. But when I got there, boy, the thing that had broken in disturbed me.

A man stood in my room, and he had a gun. The bad news for him was that I knew how to turn it against him-curtousy of Bendel Karate-but the bad news for me was that if I didn't do it fast enough, my mother was gonna end up paying my funeral bills. That would put her in a worse economic pot hole than the one she was already in.

"Please don't shoot! I'm only 13 years old! I beg you!"I pleaded, edging forward. Soon, I was close enough to grab the gun. I twisted his arm, moving out of the way before the bullet got me. It had left a burn accross my chest ,and that just set me off. I used the Bendel Karate elbow to the neck trick and he fell to the floor, rocking in pain. It was lucky that I was a fast learner when it came to Karate. I would have been dead otherwise.

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 11:35:25 PM

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 11:37:21 PM

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Wednesday 24th of February 2010 04:40:28 AM

Souki · Rogue

chapter one.

"to" -- homophone fail. "too" is used in terms of comparison, when it's considered "above" or "over" (this is badly explained let me think of another way to phrase it later) something else, or the way you're using it here. "She was too distraught to comment on the boys' handiwork beyond badly-articulated oaths regarding what their ancestry might have been." "to" is when you're going somewhere. "i'm going to the store." i'm pretty sure there're other uses for it but since i can't come up with it, go look in a dictionary or something. they are your friends.
"favorite forum, the warrior cats forum. That's what I call it, since a lot of other forums" -- abuse of the word "forum". thesauruses are also your friends, but remember, mugging them in a dark alleyway and stealing any stray words that fall out is not okay.
"That made it the best forum I had ever joined, and it was also the first." -- you should probably add something about how despite the fact that it was the first one you joined you think it's the best one because honestly, if it's the first thing you've done, naturally you'll think it's the best--there's nothing to compare it to. it's like your first time eating ice cream. you can have a half-melted pile of sludge and it'll taste kinda strange but you'll still think it's the best because it's the only ice cream you've ever had.
"Had they banned me for something?! Had I been frozen?!" -- ....why would your mother care if you'd been banhammered from the site? i'm pretty sure she was disappointed with your failing grades, so she should be hopping with joy that you'd been banned. :/
""Honey, you" -- you're doing a lot better with the spacing, but it's almost always better to put a space when you're starting with a new person's dialog. it just makes it a lot clearer and you'll see as you go on that there're a lot of benefits to doing that.
"message marked special" -- president or no he can't mark your e-mail messages special. if it's titled that way, than say so.
"like I was in danger." lol it's called a scam. that or a prank letter sent by someone with no life. there's a lot of people like that in the world. the worst danger you'd be in is a virus in your computer.
"getting the feeling that the same thing had happened to them." -- ... super intuition much? it would be a lot easier to believe if you had been talking to them about it and they were like "YOU TOO!?" or something.
"They seemed to know my concerns as well. " -- this makes no sense. either clarify it or get it out of there.
"Moonstar made a thread about it." -- .... :I"
""Plus, it didn't even have the white house's emblem!"I typed to them..." -- i like how you're the one to make a supposedly important detail, but i'd just like you to know that you're taking it way too seriously and even if the president HAD given you something like that, it would be through snail-mail. even if it did have the emblem on it (google and photoshop is a wonderful thing, m'dear) you'd still be an idiot to take it seriously -__-;
"Katanapaw posted" -- i would just like to note to you that it's generally considered rude to use existing people in stories without their permission. if they've given their okay, then whatever, but if you portray them in a way they don't like, bad things are liable to happen, even over the internet. it just hurts a lot more after you've published and they can sue your pants off.
"Someone was after us." -- why would anyone be out to get a bunch of teenagers / children on the internet...? and it's not like this is a high-profile website. i mean while i mean no offense to anyone, it's just extremely unlikely that anyone would care enough to do something like this.
"And they knew how to get to the web site." it's called hacking. i can't remember but i think an e-mail address was mandatory to sign up for the site. while i know nothing about hacking myself, i'm thinking it should be pretty easy to get into the database where everyone's e-mail is listed :/ a rather elaborate hoax, but nothing more than that
OVERVIEW: makes me feel the characters are rather stupid. the mom, for opening a strange e-mail without a thought for whether or not it might contain a virus. you, for making a huge fuss out of it and actually feeling endangered, and the rest of the people for caring enough to post a thread about it "orz i mean it'd be okay if it were to caution against opening more of the possible virus e-mails, but you never mention that and the whole thing gives me a feel of an overly-exaggerated attempt at a plot :/

chapter two.

"strange roaring sound" -- I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHY THE SOUND OF A CAR ENGINE WOULD BE STRANGE? i mean do you live in like some god-forsaken place where no one ever drives by? :/
"mail truck stopping...and at MY house." -- OH NOEZ. MAILMAN IS HERE TO DELIVER MAIL. lol this is unusual why? it's what they're supposed to do--deliver mail. bills, spam, bills, letters from your grandmother dearest, bills, coupons, and more bills. and maybe some packages. but mostly bills. and bank statements. things that eat your parents' money.
"Scorchpaw" -- either explain to us that you've substituted your irl name for this one, otherwise i'd like to question your intelligence for believing that the president actually sent you something with your internet alias on it instead of your birth name -__-; i mean unless your birth name really is scorchpaw.... in which case there're a lot more problems but let's not go there.
regarding the letter -- i ... don't even know who's stupid enough to do something like this "orz someone must really hate you or just doesn't know anyone else to do this to :/
"If you receive any more letters like this, we may have to put a restraining order on who ever sent this letter." she said with a stony tone." -- calm down woman it's just some prank by some idiot who has no life!! be glad they're not egging / tagging your house. (translation?: she's over reacting. tone it down. unless your mom really is like that, in which case you should make it clear by describing her personality somewhat.)
""Ask your friends on that website if they got the same letter in the mail." -- ... is your mom a stalker or do you tell her everything?
"Are terrorists after us?!"-- .... LOL YES TERRORISTS TRULY BELIEVE THAT GETTING AT A BUNCH OF KIDS ON A NOT-IMPORTANT FORUM WILL HURT THE INFIDEL COUNTRY OF AMERICA. i mean i'm sure you're all wonderful people, unless all of your parents are super-important politicians / wealthy or whatever and i'm the odd one out, i don't think terrorists would be the logical conjunction.
"that one movie" -- WHY YES I HAVE WATCHED THAT ONE MOVIE. the one that stars whats his face as that hero guy and that one blonde chick as the heroine, right?
"but stuff like that happens" -- sorry to burst your bubble but unless you're something srsly special or you know something that's awesome, i'm afraid not.
"andomly hard punches and pecks to the keyboard." -- not really to do with the story but that's probably why your keyobard broke n___n;
"they can come to where we live" no they can't unless they're the government, are super awesome ninja-hackers, or you've been an idiot enough to put somewhere I LIVE HERE K COME STALK ME.
"wisely quoted." -- what is it that's being quoted? :/
"someone interrupted me as I tried to post. " -- lol jsyk no one can interrupt you on the internet. that's the beauty of it--you have to sit and read EVERY SINGLE LAST thing the other person has typed before you can "interrupt"--which, by the way, you can't.
"DO NOT POST ON THIS TOPIC ANY LONGER. IF YOU DO, THE CONSEQUENCES SHALL BE DIRE. ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED FOR PROJECT ANIMALS UNLOCKED" -- uhm clearly you have led a sheltered life on the interwebs. there are things called "trolls" on the internet that do things like this for the lullz and if one is to believe them it is generally called being an idiot.
""How dare you! Stay off Moonstar's site!" I typed to the stupid person." and this is called feeding the troll. it is usually looked down upon by everyone who wants the troll to get the heck away--further lullz for the troll and its supporters will ensue if you persist in calling the person stupid and trying to send it away.
""How did you get on without an account?!"" -- h@x0r pwrzzzz. seriously, if this person could get your e-mails and your addresses (!!???) ... :/
"CONFIDENTIAL. STAY ON THE COMPUTER AND TYPE YOUR REAL NAMES ON A NEW THREAD." -- ...........LOL NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL A SRS BZNESS HACKER / TROLL. -_____-;
""No! Log off! Now!"I posted as fast as possible. I immediately turned off my computer and unplugged it." -- .... i'm computer hardware / software illiterate but i think that once your ip's been taken not even unplugging it will help....
"had to be a hacker" -- HELLO THERE LATE EPIPHANY. HOW WAS YOUR LUNCH BREAK?
"we survive?!" -- ... no comment.
"disembodied voice rang out. " Your daughter has been activated for project Animals unlocked. Do not attempt to keep her from us. We will find her."" and that is the beauty that are cars and cell phones, even if they mess with the environment and your head. and your neighbors, even if they are annoying sometimes.
OVERVIEW: see chapter three. it kind of encompasses everything that's happened so far.

chapter three.

"After the disturbing phone call, I got back on the forums, and sure enough, there was a new thread titled-HACKER DEFENSE, PROVIDE ALL PROTECTION PROGRAMS POSSIBLE! " -- lol yes super logical solution. "oh no these people have proven them selves good enough to lock down our phone system so i immediately get back on the computer!!"
" idiotic hacker" -- he's clearly not an idiot if he's gotten this far. idiot is a pretty good all purpose noun and adjective and whatnot, but there is a time and place for the word idiot.
"every one" -- one word.
"The bad news for him was that I knew how to turn it against him" -- no actually the bad news is that you somehow manage to turn your self-insert into a mary-sue at every given opportunity. would it seriously kill you to show some common sense and realize that there is a minuscule to no chance that you, at thirteen and with all the sense that you've shown before in reacting to the news, could possibly disarm and defeat him?
"burn accross my chest" -- guns typically don't burn. they bury pieces of lead in you at a high velocity that usually kills you. and they make you bleed. a lot.
"just set me off." because coming into your room at night with a gun totally isn't enough to set you off.
"I was a fast learner" -- no actually it's just because you're a mary-sue. get the facts straight.
OVERVIEW: i don't even know what to say. it displays an incredibly low collective iq even after i've mashed everyones' together and a total and complete lack of common sense on everyones' part. again, an incredible mary-sue fic on your part without even the decency to use an oc, and the plot in general is just really badly thought out. the problems with the supporting details have been outlined above.

ooc; alright -w-

-- Edited by Souki on Wednesday 24th of February 2010 05:34:47 AM

-- Edited by Souki on Wednesday 24th of February 2010 05:50:09 AM

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Oh well. At least I remembered to paragraph this time. Thanks Souki. =3
Well, it wasn't as bad as the last on. You kept bashing yer' head into brick walls for every chapter I made. This one didn't seem to have as bad of a reaction, so I might continue, but I've still got a lot to work on if this story is really gonna work. Soooooo sorry to you guys on the er... is this a chat room, or do I call it the forums? That's my usual nickname for any place like this one that I log on to.I'm an idiot for writing first and never asking. I probly got yer' personaliteis and stuff mixed up....I don't really know if writing stories is good for me....I mean, come on. Souki had a point when she said that I made the characters stupid sounding. I seriously wouldn't blame ya' if ya' did sue my pants off. Thanks for the rating Souki. It helped me with my writing some more, and if I continue this story, I might make less errors.

Souki · Rogue

done -u-;

Rustfur · Rogue

how does this thing work?

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Well, you post part of a story that you're deciding to make, and Souki rates it. Go to the first page to see her rating levels. I likies her rating! =3